They call it, keeping up with the Jones's. Advertisement companies use it, to prompt us to buy things we don't want or need. They convince us we can't live without it, and we're flawed horribly if we don't have whatever the new thing is, when other's have it and we don't.
These feelings are often felt at a much more heart wrenching level. Nobody enjoys being the third wheel. Nobody likes being left out, or feeling like they don't belong.
As an adult woman, on the bring of the big 3-0 I find myself feeling this pressure from all directions when it comes to love. All my friends -- the ones who were the hold outs from the original "marriage march" casualties have been droping like flies. What's worse is I feel somehow unprepared for the loneliness this sudden abandonment leaves me with.
I don't like feeling like a loser, who not only doesn't have a boyfriend, but now doesn't seem to have any friend's either. It hurts to feel like a placeholder in a person's life. Lord knows I've been guilty of this before, when I was in love with some guy -- but I feel so unprepared to deal with this.
To add insult to injury my ex has been in my life a lot more lately. We still run in the same social circles and it feels like he's everywhere. We've had a few awkard moments of strange flirting -- and conversations in which the things not said are as important as the ones said.
I don't think we're getting back together. We're still not the right fit any more than we were the last time. But that doesn't mean he doesn't make my heart ache and throb with need and want. It doesn't mean that we have stopped being able to converse with a flurry of barbs and jabs and zing's which weave and sparkle, into our own unique language which everyone else is just a spectator to.
He's my Seann. And he always will be. The sad thing is though, that he's not really "mine" in any other way. No one else is ever going to take my place in his life, nor his in mine -- but there will be others we should and will become romantically linked to.
I just feel so lost right now -- lonely because I miss my friends, and sad because the reminder of my past romantic failings are right there under my nose.
It's just not fair that someone who can feel and be so right in so many ways -- can be so wrong in others.
I have kind of let the way I take care of myself slide over the last few years. I've gained weight which doesn't feel comfortable -- it's unhealthy and well honesty not really that attractive either. I'm getting older, and with no job, and a not so great living situation -- if I am taking an honest stock of my life and my appeal -- I know that I am not exactly in a position to be beating anyone away with a stick.
I love myself .. I do think I am a great person. When you're being hit by the rejection hammer though in all aspects of ones life -- how does anyone feel jazzed about who they are?
Sigh. Something has to change soon if I'm ever going to crawel out of this rut. I feel as if I must be going through some kind of mental transformation of some kind -- because instead of feeling the kind of pain I burry deep, and don't deal with -- I've been crying my eyes out a lot lately. All my feelings are so close to the surface.
It leads to intense clarity. And well honestly some pretty painful realizations too.
Sigh. Not only am I not keeping up with the joneses, I'm not keeping up with my own self image of myself.
Starting tomorrow -- I need to start making the subtle changes, to increase my happiness. My friends, will either come back -- and make room for me in their life, or they wont. In the mean time I guess I can use the solitude to really work on the things most important to me, that I don't take the time for.
Here's looking at you kid.
-C
11:55 PM - 10.08.2010
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