Do you ever feel like life is trying to pick a fight with you, that you are desperately trying to avoid? No? Just me? Well okay then.
Lately it just feels like all sorts of things are dancing on my nerves. But I don't want to fight. I don't want to be an outlet for other people's rage and sense of inadequacy. i just want to be left the hell alone really.
But life keeps trying anyway.
it's been 5 days without snapping.
6:35 PM - 06.14.2019
I feel kind of weird today - I have for the last few days really. Nothing has really happened how I've wanted it to happen - and it's just a very frustrating thing not to be able to have what we want. And then we wonder if maybe the things we want are things which aren't meant for us. We start to wonder if the unicorns, we thought we've found, aren't perhaps a silly horse, with a horn taped to it's forehead. Why would it pretend to be a unicorn you wonder? But who is the bigger fool - the one who pretends to be a unicorn, or the one who wanted to believe they found what they ached for? Even worse - what if we have found a unicorn, but it's us which is broken. Us which can't see things the right way of things?
Yeah so I know I'm not making much sense - but right now the world seems too big, too bright, too demanding. So full of rules, and responsibility and standards we have to try to meet, even knowing we will fail. And I just want to hide from it all. I want to sleep for for a thousand years.
I know this feeling will pass. It usually does. But for now.. I just want a quiet place to hide.
2:04 PM - 06.06.2019
last night when I was eating dinner with my mom, my right hand, just stopped listening to my brain. It felt heavy/dead almost and when I tried to flex my fingers, they wouldn't flex. i tried to lift a cookie to my mouth, and it like .. acted like it didn't know how to aim / find my mouth any more. It didn't feel like the stinging needles feeling you get when your limb is just asleep. it was unnerving. I briefly wondered if i was having a stroke. i wasn't. And this morning it feels mostly okay. But it was a weird feeling.
I got upset with a friend last night who for whatever reason these days feels more like a rival than a friend. I've done what I can on my end to be a caring person towards her. But lately for whatever reason when I'm talking to her - it feels like she really doesn't want to talk to me and when we do talk she subtly puts me down. It's this weird, talking to a wall feeling.
And so last night I finally broke down and said something about it - and she had kind of a bitchy response / putting it back on me. As if i was just expecting too much. It stung. And I was upset. I found myself pouring my heart out to the new guy in my life. Let's just call him Bacon. (since he needs a name). In any case - he was ridiculously kind and caring. He has a way of just making me feel safe - and cared about.
And it's been so long since I've had anyone who just seems to understand me. Most of the time when i am trying to connect with people - i feel like I'm talking Russian, and they only speak Chinese.
But he just gets all the weird little mixed up parts of my soul. Right down to my weird obsession when i was younger with Pauly Shore. The fact we discovered we both loved him last night when we were talking was ... surprising and sweet.
Talking to him didn't take away the issue with my friend, but it at least made me feel like it would be okay - that i would be okay even if things didn't resolve the way i wanted. The truth is - i've put myself out there a lot this past year trying to make new friends and it's not always really panned out for me. And it just hurts - because I think I'm a good person and a good friend.
But most of the reasons these friendships haven't worked out have had to do with other people, not me. Their issues. Their insecurities.
So for the moment - I've decided to just leave it alone for abit. Stop trying to contact her and chat her up. Stop trying to be her friend. Not everyone who comes into our life is going to love us even if we're willing to love them. And that's okay. And if she's just going through stuff right now - and she's not able to be a good friend right now - she will come back around on her own. And if she doesn't - she wasn't meant to be a part of my tribe and that's okay too.
Even just being at a point in my life and my evolution as a person when I can still feel okay with who I am as a person - when someone else doesn't like me is kind of huge for me.
This entry is kind of all over the place. I don't have it in me to make anything make some kind of sense today. Sometimes you get what you get with a journal.
I feel better since I've been writing my feelings out again. Just having a place to put them all has been good for me.
My mom and I are on better-ish terms. She apologized the other day for being kind of an asshole to me and taking things out on me. And she told her ex to back off and stop pushing her to push me out, that her and I had an agreement and she's going to honor it.
I still need to call some places / figure out about taking some driving refresher lessons. I'm scared - but I just gotta kinda get it done. Cause the sooner I can get it done the better.
I just want to be a better person. And in a happier place.
10:18 AM - 05.31.2019
I'm at work - but it's a bit slow, so thought I'd try to clear my mind of all the weird stuff swirling around in it between calls.
I spent last night with the new guy in my life. We played wow together for a while - and then decided to rewatch Stranger things (before the new season starts in July). We'd been teasing each other for most of the day / night however - and so by the time we got around to watching the show we had other things on our mind. It was passionate and near the end tender. And it was a nice way to end the night.
I'm happy.
And yet .... there's this small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind. The kind that lingers because of past bad experiences, fears of getting close to someone new, and that small shred of common sense which hasn't completely left one's body. I feel him sometimes holding back just a bit. He's complimentary. I know he enjoys my company. He tells me I'm amazing - and our time together is amazing - but there still is this barrier around his heart that I can physically feel - no matter how many intimacies we share about our lives.
He's never in any rush. And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe things are better if they happen slower - rather than giving the whole game away in a single act. Still. It makes me nervous. It makes it hard to give into that floaty feeling that I get sometimes when we're together. It just makes me hard to trust that what this is - no matter how good it is - will last.
I find myself looking backwards as I feel myself on the rise, overlooking a valley below rich with the potential of a new relationship. I find myself wanting to look backwards at the long trail which led me to where I am, before I continue on. I find myself thinking about my ex and our relationship. Maybe everyone does that. Look back? Wonder if this is what they really want. Think about what mistakes they'd like to escape this time around.
For the last few months I've looked back a few different times - sometimes with pain. Sometimes with longing / wishful/hoping he'd change his mind / come back - sometimes with grief as I spyed on social media profiles and saw how happy he was moving on / in which I silently both judged, envied, and felt sorry for his new girlfriend in various ranges of feeling and emotion.
This time though - when I looked back, I didn't feel most of those things. I just felt sad that things ended up how they were - glad to see he seemed to be making some positive changes in his life - and just kinda happy he seemed happy. Since meeting my new guy - and being amazed at how connected we've been - how easy everything feels with him that never felt easy with the ex - I feel less upset about what happened, and more just kind of .. grateful i guess i wasn't still hog-tied in that relationship, thinking that was as good as it gets, when what's going on now is .. *better*.
Still .. I still feel like a quarter is still flipping in mid air and no one knows what's going to happen. And it's as unsteadying as it is exciting. I think i'm done looking back now. it's time to look forward. Still I wish I had some sort of reassurance that it all works out.
9:44 AM - 05.30.2019
It's been a while since I've written here. Years in fact. But lately I find it frustrating to try to write in my paper and pen journal - and there is a lot going on in my head that I just need to get out of me somehow - so web journal again it is.
I've been 38 years old for exactly one week. My birthday was the 17th. Happy Birthday to me. When exactly did I get this old? i don't really feel old per-say - more I just feel like there is so much that I had thought I would have sorted out or had settled in my life by now - and here I am, circling the drain to 40 still just trying to figure it all out.
About a year ago I decided that i was tired of not having my act together.
I dumped my dead-end relationship with my quasi-abusive boyfriend.
I started saving money for a new car and my move out of my mom's house again fund.
i started really applying myself at work.
In that time I've managed to save about Nine-Thousand Dollars
I got "soft" promoted at work - which means I was asked to take on more job responsibilities without an increase in pay - and not only did i deliver on those tasks but I knocked it out of the park. (Still surprised by how well i did).
Which brings us to modern times. I'm working very hard still. I'm doing what I need to, to get myself out of my moms house by the end of the year. I met a new guy a few weeks ago - who so far makes me happier than I've been with anyone in a long time. We just.... click. He gets all my strange references. I just can't seem to stop talking to him. Hours feel like minutes and we're both losing sleep just staying up late talking / spending time together.
This should be a very happy time in my life.
And it is .. kind of.
My mom has been making things really difficult lately. It was MY idea to move out - not hers. She didn't ask me to. This was my goal - and my plan. But about 3 months ago, my mom's ex boyfriend (who would do us all a favor if he ceases to exist tbh) went running to my mom for help. Of course he's too manipulative to just ask for help - so instead he masqueraded his true intentions by presenting the situation to my mom as an opportunity for her to buy a house. My mom has wanted to own her own home her entire life. And since the price was right for this property - my mom decided she'd buy this house. The plan was she would buy this house and she would become his landlord.
I don't have to tell you that the very fact he was involved from the word go made me want to say no. That this was a bad idea. I was not surprised when it came to light that the landlord / home-owner had lied about a bunch of things and a lot of things needed to be repaired.
My mom decided to pass on this house.
My mom decided to keep looking for a house though.
My mom fell in love with another property that reminded her of her childhood home. She could afford it. It was in a neighborhood she liked. She had mentally moved her furniture into the house already. She put an offer in on the house. It was accepted.... and then the inspection happened and my mom had to back out. The house had massive structural issues and would have issues with flooding.
My mom was heartbroken.
My mom decided to keep looking. She found another house after a bit of searching. Top of her budget. But everything was working / fixed / updated on the house. It was priced a bit too high based on comparable. So she decided to put in a lower offer. They countered. She agreed to this price.
Apparently at this point in time her ex and her spoke last night and they got into a massive fight with him telling her how stupid she was to buy this house and just demolishing her excitement about this property.
My mom is once again heartbroken. My mom wants to back out of this house. Her confidence is in shatters.
I understand what my mom has been through. I've been here through this whole process with her. But in the last few months - my mom has grown increasingly hostile towards me. Unsympathetic towards my fears/anxiety about moving out on my own - unwilling to listen to why financially I don't have the money right now to move out. Unwilling to hold to the agreement she made with me to let me have until the end of the year.
Basically just treating me like I'm in the way between her and her dreams. That I am a bad daughter - and a bad person because I'm delaying her plans to get this house. And if she gets this house - it will be harder to get me to work until i can get a car because she will have to drive 2 places instead of one. On and on the list of complaints, and frankly hurtful, and unnecessary comments have been.
This is really destroying our relationship.
It's causing me stress and anxiety and panic.
And most if not all of this started and is being amped up and caused by my mom's ex boyfriend. Because he wants me to get kicked out - so that he can go back to manipulating my mom into taking care of him again. He was gung-ho for her to buy that house until he came up with some other scheme / plan to try to once again buy his landlord's house. No bank on this planet would give him a mortgage. So his plan is really not a plan but to try and force my mom to buy it.
I hate him.
i hate that for 25 years he's been getting between me and my mom's relationship.
I hate that she still talks to this person - whose stolen from her - drained her dry financially - not been there for her when she had cancer - etc - but she keeps still letting him be in her life despite his inability to maintain healthy boundaries.
Mostly I'm just heartbroken - because after years of not having my shit together - i finally start to get my ducks in a row to try to gain back my independence - and instead of supporting those strides - and being proud of me and how far I've come -she is instead on my case and trying to force me to do something that will not end well..
Frankly it feels selfish. It feels mean. it feels .. very unlike my mother.
I gotta go - real life calls i'll finish this later.. maybe.
5:19 PM - 05.24.2019
Recent entries:
06.14.2019
06.06.2019
05.31.2019
05.30.2019
05.24.2019
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