My sister called my mom the other night to say that the cat is going to the bathroom in places she shouldn't and rubbing her paws on their wordwork until it's scratching it (even without claws?). She doesn't want to hang on to the cat any longer.
She wants us to figure out how to bring the kitty down here to stay with me and my mom. My kitty has never gotten along with my sister's boyfriend -- and the idea she's so distressed she's going to the bathroom where she shouldn't and otherwise causing havoc makes me feel so bad for her. There is nothing that I can really do or say about anything. I have to research how to bring her down here.
My heart hasn't felt right without her, and maybe she feels the same in some strange cat way. It's the only explanation that I have. If anything happens on her journey I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself.
Emotionally I'm at odds right now with my current life situations, and my unknown future.
If I am bringing the kitty cross country in what could be a horrible travel experience for her -- there is no way I can turn around and uproot her again in a short span of time, odds are this means I need to stay in Saint Louis -- even if it's only for a few years, which means I need to be proactive and make some calls to Webster University to find out how to apply, if I can schedule a tour, etc.
I had this moment tonight when I felt as if my heart were speaking to God about love, and my life. I felt like for all the uncertainty I feel about Seann -- there are a couple true things.
The first is that I love him, unconditionally, despite reason, despite anything and everything he has done or not done which has at times made him unworthy of me, or my love -- I still do.
The 2nd is that our future together if there is ever to be one, has yet to unfold, and I do neither him nor myself any true benefit in waiting around for things to change between us.
Which means, it's time to put on my big girl pants, and stop worrying about which friend is messing up which marriage with which husband, what Seann wants or doesn't want from me, and worrying about all the stuff which doesn't really matter -- and start focusing on all the stuff that does.
My goals are very specific. I need to apply to school, and I need to figure out how to get my cat transported down here. Whatever baby steps are included in those tasks, must and will be done. I can panic and be worried or scared later.
The one true thing I know about love is that it makes up feel capable of moving mountians. So often things which frighten us -- stop being so scary when we find ourselves motivated to provide a better life for someone we care about. Madge (my kitty) is just a cat -- but she's my cat, and she needs me to be an adult, enroll in school and start getting her life together, so that I can be a good and healthy mommy to her.
Through all the drama of this horrible experience, there is a very small part of me which wants to scream with joy at the idea of being able to hold her again.
I love her so much.
1:24 AM - 10.11.2010
Recent entries:
05.31.2019
05.30.2019
05.24.2019
02.26.2012
11.27.2011
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others: