I feel like I haven't been very true to myself lately, getting caught up in things which in the grand scheme of things, wont amount to much.
The sheep whose lost her way I guess, without a Shepard to guide me home. All my life I've been searching for that innate ability some seem to have, to guide myself home. When it's quiet, and it's still I'm able to realize that there are certain things that I must do, if I wish to get my life back on track.
The truth is, I often know months before I actually -do- anything about it, that things need changing. It's just so hard to get that inner motivation, when it feels like life knocks you down so often.
I suppose if life were really a rail road track, if there weren't detours, and we never got knocked off the track, the road of life would be a pretty short one. If everything just magically fell into place, and our destination was clear -- there would be no need to get lost in the moment, and nothing which would ever make us feel really apart of the human experience.
I get tired of always being side tracked, and derailed but I suppose I should be grateful to even have a destination.
My eating patterns have been terrible of late, I'm not sleeping enough, not feeling physically good most of the time, and am many weeks behind on my school work.
I don't even know if I will pass this block of classes, and that fear has me motivated to change things around, but has also forced me to stop and consider where I am going and why I've gotten so far off track.
The truth, deep down, bone deep is that I am lonely. I was on a path I felt glad to be walking on, but was never a path I felt certain I should be on. The outside pressure of trying to live up to what others want for me, that feeling of inadequacy, and all those months I spent trying to figure out where things were going to go with Dustin, if anywhere.
Left me feeling ... hollow I guess. A shell instead of a person. I didn't feel like me. So if all of this depression, and darkness, and being lost was worth anything it was useful for making me realize that I have to try to find a way to be more real about how I feel and who I am.
I love my mom and I am glad she lets me live here, but having spent the last week alone, I realize that there is a part of me which needs to return to living alone at some point. Peter Pan must eventually grow up.
Or whatever the female equivalent of that is. Much like peter though, I have been scared. Scared of getting it wrong, scared of being wrong. Scared of myself really.
I have been so alone this week, and that ache, that need for human contact reminds me that there is still that need inside of me to give and receive love. While at the same time realizing that i haven't been very loving towards myself.
The two are no doubt related. So, goal for the next few days/weeks, readjust my priorities, do what I have to do, and take better care of myself.
The rest... the rest will inevitably follow.
6:05 AM - 11.27.2011
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