I'm trying to focus on my homework but my mind keeps wandering to other things. I never remember having this kind of ADD when I was in school before but lately it feels like I have a lot of trouble concentrating. A lot of misc things constantly fight in the background of my mind from attention, from wanting to listen to music, check facebook, twitter, check my guild, check in on celebrity gossip, how my friend is doing, thoughts about my brother's new baby, pretty much anything but my math homework.
This is frustrating for me because I am not actually stupid. When I can manage to slow my brain down enough to concentrate, I can actually understand the math homework and do well. But my inability to focus often means it takes me hours longer than it should to do my homework, which sometimes means I am turning in assignments late.
Knowing I would have an A in my class instead of a C if I could just focus enough to do my homework ontime, instead of turning it in late is frustrating for me.
I don't even know -why- I am so distracted and why I would rather be doing just about anything instead of my homework. I know how important my homework is for my future. How important this class is .. it's like I get in this mood and it just doesn't matter to me any more.
The truth is I have been lonely lately. I keep thinking about my ex boyfriend whose now married to someone else. My obsession with him is border-line ridiculous. Because when I a honest with myself and think back on our relationship, despite being convinced he was "the one" at the time, he really didn't always treat me that great.
So why the fuck do I care that he's married to a girl who I can tell doesn't really love him? She's all about herself and I pretty much hate her, even though I have no real reason to hate her, or even care whom he's married to.
Maybe for me it's just further proof of what a terrible person I am. I just don't like who I am a whole lot right now. Life is passing me by and the thing I am suppose to be doing to get myself back on track is something I struggle to focus on.
I'm overweight and I hate it, yet I don't make the time to work out even though I should.
I'm running out of money and I know I need to get a part time job soon, but I am not even putting my resume together or trying to look for anything right now because I feel so crappy physically all the time, that I am tired all the time, my body clock is all out of proportion with a normal sleep pattern, and I just feel like a big fat loser.
I want a husband and love, and a baby so badly yet I can't take care of myself, and I can't focus my head, and I feel crazy 90% of the time.
Does everyone feel like this, or just me? I feel like I am losing my mind slowly and if I could just stop being tired, and just feel a little better, than I could have the energy to focus, the energy to change my life, the ability to find happiness.
But none of that can happen until I finish my homework.
Sigh.
Baby steps.
2:28 AM - 02.26.2012
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