I feel like I've been living in nightmares the last few days. Never really sleeping. Never really awake. My dreams, are real. How can you wake up from your reality?
I have no money. Attempts to find a job, have been completely unsuccessful. The one interview I've had in 4 months, this past Tuesday was a disaster. For starters, I don't think that the interview was for an actual job at all. Once I got there, I had this feeling of "I've been had" the entire time I was there.
Their website posted the job as if it were an actual job they were actively seeking people for. When they called me the day after I sent them my resume, I felt hopeful. But when I got there, it became clear that this was a temp agency, and since none of the questions were about actual job experiences, I felt really stupid for being there. I felt like they were just interviewing me to swell their ranks with potential recruits. So that -they- look good to potential clients looking to staff for jobs.
The interview, consisted of the lady berating me for not having Excel or Microsoft Word proficiencies. Which while I admit might be useful things to know how to use, I've never had to use them in the past. So her harping on my lack of experience in this area was ridiculous. I was quick to try and point out that I've been using computers since I was a small child and given instructions, I'm a very quick study. But this did not impress her.
Her whole attitude was "Why are you wasting my time?" I felt like a failure. More than that, I was wondering to myself why I was there too. Even if I were to get a job tomorrow, it will not save me from eviction.
In three days I'll owe my landlord about two thousand dollars. There is no way I can pay this. No one in my family has the money to lend me right now. I have no job, and I have no money coming in. I can call rental assistance agencies. But the best they can give me is $50 here or there. The most any one place can get me would be $200. And since this wont save me from eviction, to be honest their money would be better spent elsewhere.
In about 2 weeks I can reapply for unemployment. No guarantee they'll be able to get me any money. I sent my landlord an email to ask they continue to be patient/work with me. I laid out all the details of what I am trying to do. But I don't know if this will be enough.
I am torn between trying to keep hope alive, and wanting to prepare myself for the inevitable.
I am going to my grandparents this afternoon. We're meeting to celebrate the May Birthdays, and my sister's engagement. I've never met the man she's planning to marry. I don't really want to go. I don't feel like celebrating. Or spending the entire afternoon appearing appropriately sad, and hopeful and strong about my future.
When I feel so far from hopeful or strong, or brave. I just feel sad. The kind of sad that sinks to your soul and holds there. The kind you worry if you'll ever move past.
I feel like eventually I'll be working again. Eventually I'll not be in this difficult place in my life. But I wonder if I'll ever be able to shake the dark places this has taken me to.
10:58 AM - 06.27.2010
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