Well dinner with my grandparents wasn't that bad. In fact, it was sort of nice to see everybody. The people in my family do care about me, and have done their best in small ways to make my current living situation easier.
My Aunt slipped me an envelope on the way inside which had a 10 ride card, and a $30 gift card to Wal-mart (the place I grocery shop)inside. After dinner they sent me home with the left over lunch meat, and some of the fruit salad we'd eaten with our meal.
It's those little things that make me want to cry. Because it's first of all so thoughtful. And I know for them even getting that much together is hard for them, as they're having money issues too. But also because some part of me feels like I can never repay the kindness.
While I was there, my grandma and I were talking in the living room. And for some reason, I brought up my cat. She mentioned that her and my grandpa thought I might need to get rid of her, that I can't afford a cat right now.
It was as if I'd instantly been hit by a bus. The impact of her words were like a sledgehammer crashing into me. I've thought about what would happen if my landlord doesn't continue to work with me and I get evicted. But in all my mental plans, I hadn't really thought about what would happen to my cat. I just assumed, perhaps naively that she would come with me.
I've had her for going on 6 years now. She is my baby. The day I brought her home, I wrote about her in this journal. (Although that entry is long since deleted). I don't have children. My cat to me is, my kid. I can't just get rid of her.
Mixed with all my fears and anxiety about the future is also tremendous guilt. That I haven't always been a good mommy to my cat. I just worry what will happen if the time comes I can't take care of her.
I really really hope it never comes to that.
While at my grandparents house I borrowed their Sunday paper. Out of all the jobs listed in the want ads, there was only one that I was potentially qualified for. It doesn't mention how much it pays in it's ad, but it's for a good company (one I could like myself for working for), and it's in an area I have some interest in for my future (health insurance claims).
I find myself feeling nervous to apply. Wondering if I should edit or amend my resume to only list the jobs in my recent past which give me a positive (or somewhat positive) job history. Or if I should gamble and list it all, including that I was let go from my last 2 positions.
I've heard that if you don't disclose everything on a job application and they later find out you omitted the information, it's grounds for termination. However, I sort of have to wonder how many employers actually do extensive background checks on employees to spot check these sort of omissions.
I would assume, perhaps wrongly that employers do this, searching for people who have perhaps committed criminal misconduct.
On the same token, I don't think it's really a good idea to start off a successful potential relationship with someone, by lying. Huge gaps in my employment history might also look just as bad as having random gaps and jobs in which I've been let go from.
To be honest I really don't know what I should do. I don't want to be disqualified before I even get in the door.
I really need this job. For myself. For my cat. For my future.
All I can do I guess is pray and meditate on this, and hope the best solution presents itself to me.
2:51 AM - 06.28.2010
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