Being broke sucks.
I know what you're thinking. (Well duh) But it really really sucks. Having to call to beg all my utilities to extend my due dates, and not shut off my services, so that I can continue looking for work, etc -- is flat out humiliating.
Hello my name is (bleep) and I am a loser.
Sigh.
All my life I've always had a kind of inherent faith that bad things wont last. I grew up in an abusive household, where I dreamed every day of escape, and being able to run away. But I had faith, that eventually I would -be able- to run away. That whatever was -out there- would better than what was -in here-. I stuck to those guns, and I left as soon as I was able.
And things were better. They were worse too. But that kind of goes without saying. The naivete of youth doesn't last forever. We learn that evil men don't all wear black and have sinister one liners, with wild west music to tip us off to their bad intentions.
We learn that good people do bad things and bad people can do good things. That black is not always black. We learn to lives in shades of gray. I keep trying to remind myself of this when things get like how they are now. To keep moving forward, one step at a time.
But it's hard. It's hard to move forward when it feels like everyone keeps pushing you around.
In the style of the old west, I tip my hat to them, and mumble good game as I walk away. My hands idly stroking the belt on my hip. My guard far from down. My stagger, slow but purposeful.
I will get through this. I will.
8:32 AM - 06.21.2010
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