I find myself getting irritated at the silliest things lately. I am walking around with all this stress an anxiety cause of this irritation but the truth is all the little things aren't what's really bugging me.
What's bugging me is the future and feeling like I don't have enough money to do what I need to do. Feeling like everything is happening too fast. Feeling scared and alone.
It's not fair.
I wish sometimes I could just be a person who was oblivious to the reality of the situation.
Why do I always have to be so fucking aware of everything, if there is almost nothing I can do but be patient and wait things out.
so freaking frustrating.
I'm sick of waiting.
I'm sick of living in my mother's house.
I love my mom. But I am sick of being under her foot all the time and feeling like I am in her way.
I can't really look busy, or pretend I didn't spend the day watching tv, or surfing the internet.
There is only so much I can do with my time.
It's things like this which make me realize why I am an addict in the first place. Why I move from one obsession to another.
It's like the time they gave me meds for my OCD and suddenly I stopped the counting I'd been doing since birth. I started flipping out cause my automatic counting wasn't there any more.
There was no buffer.
I feel like a person with no buffer, and nothing to keep me safe.
It's no wonder I am angry and scared.
11:54 PM - 09.09.2010
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