Good morning
I'm a bit sleepy today .. but contented happy.
My fingers hurt a bit this morning from my new guitar. As I don't have any callouses on my fingertips yet and gripping my new guitar strings hurts a bit.
But it felt really good to hold her in my hand.
My big brother sent me a message last night to tell me he was proud of me for all the changes I have been making.
I wanted to cry.
I don't remember a time in my life my brother told me he was proud of me before.
So much is changing and all at once.
Sometimes it overwhelming. Like the tops keep spinning and I'm just trying to keep them all spinning. And there is a bit of anxiety about whether I can keep it all going .. and if I could let myself, or others down. The potential weight of disappointment is heavy.
But all I can do is try not to worry or think about that too much and just focus on what is right in front of me. One step at a time.
9:02 AM - 06.16.2021
Yesterday it felt like the day was super charged with energy - there were so many calls at work, everything felt busy and rushed. Today it feels like time has slowed to a crawel. Both days - the actual passage of time was the same, but man it FELT different.
I've been thinking more about things that I want in my life ... and I've been feeling called to learn to do something new that I have always wanted to know how to do. I've been thinking a lot about playing the guitar. I don't know if I will even enjoy it, or if I will even come to master the basics - but it feels like something worthy of pursuing with some of my downtimes.
Lately, I have been writing more in this journal - but in terms of creative expression, my poetry hasn't really been coming to me lately. So it feels as though since I can't get my words to come out ... maybe I can get the sound within me to come out through the experience.
Of course, when I told my mom about it - she wanted to involve some girl from my grandma's church who plays to get her advice, and she wanted me to go to the guitar center and ask a bunch of questions. And she was full of all kinds of helpful advice ... that just felt overwhelming for me. And like too much drama. And too much energy from others. This is a new hunch/desire/dream that's taking root in me. I don't want to ask the experts. I don't care if I make a wrong choice about this. I don't even care to "learn" the traditional way - or if I am any good. This is just something that I want to do for myself.
I don't want the frenetic energy she was running with.
When I'm ready to actually make the purchase (once I've sat with the idea for a while and made sure it's the right one for me to pursue) than I will seek out the experts that I want to seek out. None of which involve all these other people.
I know my mom was trying to help. I appreciate her for trying. But at times her approach feels all wrong to me. I have my own sense of innate timing, and I always have. My mom has often been frustrated with the pace at which I set for things at times. But I've almost always been right on time when I listen to my inner voice.
I've been a bit obsessed with Raelynn's song "me about me" lately. Particularly the chorus calls out to me in some kind of way.
"But the reason why I love to spend my time in the Bible
Or the reason why I play guitar to help with my survival
Or why I start to cry when I watch my daddy leave
You would know if you asked me about me
Me about me..."
Maybe that's where I got the idea in the first place.
But I feel like I am becoming a new person and that means learning new ways to communicate what's in my heart. I also just want to have a little bit of fun. I feel like I've been so serious lately .. all working on goals, and no .. just fun!
There's also a message in the song about knowing so much about someone else .. and loving everything about them, but them never bothering to make the effort to know you. And I think that resonates to powerfully with me. There's been so many relationships that I've been in -- in which the other person wasn't interested in me, and the reasons why I liked or loved something - they were interested in what I could do for them. Or in me being interested in them.
And that's definitely something I want to avoid in the future. I want things to be more balanced in whatever future connection finds its way into my life.
3:47 PM - 06.12.2021
Well... we both finally had what feels like a real conversation. It came after another fight of course, but at least this time we were laying our swords down and talking openly. And I understand a little better now. Understanding doesn't change the situation ... it just heals the anger. And if you can heal that .. well then peace can be found.
I do feel pretty at peace with the situation. It's disappointing it didn't work out ... but if I'm looking for silver linings here .. at least I realized my heart still works after my ex. I wasn't really sure it still did, to be honest. I thought I was done with love and couldn't ever really feel safe again to let someone else in. But the fact that I felt things for Tim again ... not just romantic things.. but powerful sexual things .. well for me that is a good thing.
Because I had kind of cut off that part of myself after everything that happened with my ex. He was abusive and the moment I broke up with him I cut him off from communicating with me by every avenue that he could - but inwardly I also shut down any kind of connection to romantic or sexual feelings. It was almost like I was wrapping myself up in a snug blanket of protection .. but nothing got in, or out. The one time I tried to connect with myself sexually (okay this is probably in TMI category here) .. not only couldn't I finish but I wound up sobbing. I had done so much to suppress my own self .. to make him happy that in the heat of my pain .. I couldn't even please myself.
It wasn't like that with Tim. I felt sexual and powerful and ... GOOD.
It is a sign to me that I have healed so much.
The last few months ... I've been in a place of confidence in myself that I haven't had in many years. I've done so much work to rebuild my life .. and start rebuilding my independence. I feel good things are coming for me .. but they're not just wishes .. they're things I've been actively working on and have earned.
I just feel ready to bloom.
I went out with my sister last night - and we had some guys hitting on us. And it was fun. It didn't bug me .. mostly because there was no real agenda behind their actions - they were just having a good time.
It's good to just get back to living my life.
Just wanted to say I am feeling better. :)
7:09 AM - 06.11.2021
Well, I've calmed down a lot since my last post. I ended up writing him a letter to tell him how I felt but he messaged me to say that he received it, but that he didn't have time to read it yet - that he would. It wasn't that long of a letter. It would have taken all of five minutes to read.
The fact he didn't really feel any real pressure or urgency to read a message I poured my heart into, kinda says it all right? Other things and other people are always just the priority here - and I'm just tired of not being one.
There have been some other faces poking around - acting interested in me - and it's nice to feel wanted but the truth is - I don't want to be wanted by them. Not right now. You can't change out romantic prospects like changing the clothes on a paper doll. It doesn't work that way. I use to do that. If someone didn't like me / give me the response I want - I'd switch my energy and focus on whatever new person was in the vicinity. But I've grown up I guess. I don't see validation of my worthiness from others that way anymore. Yay .. growth?
I'm just pulling my energy back into my own space. I want to pretend that I'm not sad. That it doesn't hurt. That I didn't want this to work out ... but I know, that I did. I may not tell the rest of the world how I feel but I know how I do. I hope I'll be feeling better soon. But in the meantime, I'm still here. And I'm not going to lie to you.
No lies here.
10:42 PM - 06.09.2021
And I'm sure he was just having a bad day. And I am overreacting because of the trauma of what the ex did/put me through.
But at the moment I'm upset and I don't want to be around anything that makes me feel like this.
I just want to be happy and to have peace and to have a boyfriend in my life who actually ... oh I don't know, likes me? Could grow to love me?
3:44 AM - 06.08.2021
Well... we got into a fight tonight if you want to call it that. And I wound up going to bed early like I've been doing lately, as my cats keep waking me up super early in the morning (between 4-6am) so I've been going to bed earlier to try and get a bit more sleep. But the truth is, on some level I've been going to bed early because I keep feeling a bit emotional/hurt, and going to bed early avoids me spending a night sitting in that energy. But even when you go to bed early -- when you wake up and still feel that way ... something has to give.
To be honest, at this point I feel like he's playing games with me. He's definitely not giving me what I want, and I've gone back and forth in my head about how patient I want to be with the situation - but this situation only really seems to exist in my head. If I strip all the bullshit away - I can see very clearly that we did have an initial spark and some potential for things to go somewhere good - but then he pulled his energy back completely from the situation and I have been spinning my wheels ever since trying to hold on to that memory - and the few bread crumbs of attention he throws my way as if they mean anything. But ... they don't. Tonight our "fight" came out of him being snippy with me when I was checking in with him on how he was really feeling. Because last night he sent me all these messages from what I can only describe as what felt like a dark place. He described self-harm desires - and being a caring person I wanted to make sure he was feeling better.
But he honestly made me feel STUPID for asking/checking on him. And just like that, I was back in that emotional space I occupied with my ex. Where my best qualities (my compassion and kind heart) were being mocked, and unappreciated. And suddenly it was like emotionally I couldn't pack my bags fast enough. I want to get the fuck out of this situation. Like NOW.
I refuse to be in another relationship where I care more than the other person. Where the person uses me for my kindness when they want comfort and then later makes me feel like an asshole for having that same quality at a moment they don't need it. No ... absolutely the fuck not. I'm just tired. This whole situation and "relationship" has made me feel fucking tired. I'm spinning my wheels. And I'm spinning my wheels in my head about it all because he's not giving anything back to the situation of substance.
And I'm tired of all the emotional drama in my head and heart about the situation.
I am ready for something real.
And he's just ... not.
If he ever gets ready he can come to talk to me. In the meantime, I'm moving on. Not to someone else .. just onward.
I don't really want someone with my heart on their string. I'm good.
3:13 AM - 06.08.2021
Sometimes seeing is believing, other times believing is seeing. For me, it's some combination thereof. I pay attention to the gentle nudges of the universe - signs that tell you to go left, others right - others to stop and rest here for a bit.
Lately, I've been having dreams about me driving again. And I've been practicing driving. These dreams have become very common. But lately, they're taking on a new form. Lately, I'm seeing myself driving ... to a new place to work. I'm seeing myself doing things in my dreams career-wise that I've never done before. I'm seeing myself with confidence. I'm seeing myself with a healthy glow to my cheeks and a contented spirit.
I feel myself being happy and it's always terrified me before ... but I don't feel scared anymore. I just realize there's a lot of work involved in getting to that finish line and those accomplishments. I just know there's a lot of hard work .. but there will be success at the end of it.
Today I noticed how close on the map Oklahoma and Missouri are. It's not a thing I ever thought about before, but suddenly it made sense in context of my relationship with Tim. Sometimes things just feel like they're important or we just hear our inner voice that says .. this is important. Hang in there .. cause this will get better.
I dunno. I feel ready for things to be different. I have all this energy ... but right now I can't do anything towards my goals so I need to find a healthy way to channel some of this excessive energy. Because otherwise it's too heavy to carry. And I will burn myself out.
1:32 PM - 06.04.2021
You're not supposed to hold space for someone else. If something isn't working out - you're supposed to just .. walk away.
But I'm not wanting to really walk away. I'm also not wanting to wait for it to work out. So ... where am I today? Well, today I'm working on myself and trying not to focus on him. And just spending time with my friends, and finding a way to be happy even if I feel myself miss him, like a lump in my throat that rises even I don't want it to.
I push it away and recenter myself. I practice the breathing exercises he taught me. I try to live my life fully and happily.
I flirted with another guy when I and my friends were out and someone flirted with me. I'm not standing in one place. I'm just living.
But deep down .. yeah I still wish it will work out.
But he needs time .. and I can't wait.
So am doing the only thing I know how to do .. which is live.
And we will leave it in the hands of the universe if it's supposed to work out or not.
5:43 PM - 06.02.2021
So .. the friendship thing went out the window pretty quickly .... cause you're really not supposed to sleep with your friends.
And then he slightly misled me about when he was going to contact me...
And lets just say I don't like being lied to ...
So things kinda blew up.
And now I don't really know where things are.
Because part of me wants to just be done .. walk away.
Because that's probably the smart thing to do.
Tim is kinda all over the place.. he doesn't know what he wants.. and he won't be rushed into making a decision .. and he's not moving at the same pace I want to move at and he's not on the same page with me .. and it's just kind of a bad situation. When you're that mix-matched, these kinds of situations are going to keep happening.
And if they do .. it will just mess things up more.
So yeah .. pretty much everything about this whole situation makes me intensely uncomfortable because it's 100% outside of my control. The only control I have .. is whether I stay or I go.
But despite how angry I am .. deep down, I still want it to work.
And I wish I could just turn it off.
4:19 PM - 06.01.2021
Well.. I did a difficult thing for myself tonight. I told Tim that I thought we should just focus on being friends right now. That he's too busy to be in a relationship and that it was too difficult for me to be lonely. All of this was true. He's been so busy lately that he's not really been able to talk to me much and when he does it's at odd times like 4-6am.
He's also expressed to me that he isn't sure if he's bi-sexual, or if perhaps he's more gay than bi. He asked me after I said we should focus on friendship ...if it was because of the gay thing. And it wasn't ... because he's never not been attracted to me. In fact, our early interactions were all very lustful and passionate. But it something I worry about in the quiet of the night when I'm alone. And it makes it all the more vulnerable for me to put my heart out there on a limb towards him if he could just as easily break it.
I'm still really attracted to him. I still really want things to work with us. And some small part of my heart feels like it's breaking just a little. Not a full break. But some cracks are definitely forming. Which tells me that it's the right time to pull back my energy from a situation I don't feel safe in. It will give him some time to think about things - and it will unchain me from some of the worry and stress about the situation that was starting to derail my positive progress forward.
I hit a milestone today, I've lost 20lbs officially since I started my health journey. But more than that -- I've been able to be more active and mobile. This past weekend I was able to walk around a store I wanted to visit for almost the entire visit without needing to sit down. It's such a small thing but when you're used to being in chronic pain, and it prohibits you from being able to participate in things you enjoy being able to regain some of that means everything. Baby steps. One foot and front of the other. We will get through this journey.
I can't explain why I feel sad about what I did with Tim. I think maybe it's because I wanted things to unfold differently .. and I felt this insane instant connection with him - that I know he felt too - because he said it - a lot - when we first met .. but then it was like he just got scared about the idea of being in a relationship and just pulled back hard. And I wanted to be patient and wait it out ... but every day - I just found myself looking at my phone too much to check if he'd sent me a message or feeling anxious about when I'd hear from him. It just wasn't feeling in a healthy space.We weren't on the same page.
I still think he's a nice guy. Probably one of the nicest I've known in a long long time to be honest. So maybe it's normal to feel a bit sad. But he really didn't fight me on the suggestion .. he seemed almost relieved. So I have to just trust the universe things will work out how they're meant to, even if it works out how I didn't expect or want it to..
Things still feel a bit strained with my sister. I know she loves me .. but it's weird right now. So for now I'm letting her take some space. Change is hard for the person doing it - but it can also be hard for the people around that person. We're in an adjustment period and it's going to feel twisty for a while. But eventually the kinks will all be worked out.
11:15 PM - 05.27.2021
Sometimes ... a person runs out of patience. Sometimes a person gets tired of giving their all .. and getting nothing but the crumbs back. Sometimes I get tired of people saying they'll always be there - but when I need them, they aren't. I get tired of being so kind .. and understanding ... and patient.
I have exhausted myself carrying it all on my own.
I'm tired of keeping myself available and trying to work around others.
I'm busy.
I'm busy for the next 30 years.
I'm not bending myself into any more pretzels.
I can be salty all on my own.
6:47 PM - 05.26.2021
I went driving again last night! Vroom Vroom. I still feel nervous driving .. but every time I get behind the wheel, I feel my confidence getting just a bit higher - and I know with regular practice that I will get comfortable enough to drive on my own, without someone in the car with me, helping.
And once I can feel comfortable driving it will be time for my new car.
I can see this future coming. And for once instead of being terrified by the prospect, I am excited by it. I feel myself wanting this independence so much. I feel like I don't want to held back by these limitations anymore.
I don't know what caused the fire to be lit under me ... but I just feel ready to change. It can't happen quick enough.
I feel the same way about weight loss. I'm losing weight steadily - and making so many strides that until a few months ago I felt were impossible to make ... and yet it's not happening fast enough for me. Of course, I can't rush the process really. I just have to hop on the ride and keep going with it. And if I stay on the ride ... I'll look back and smile when I know how far I came.
But sometimes we just want something ... NOW.
But unfortunately, we can't really rush things.
I talked to Tim this morning. It felt good to speak to him. I want that situation to work out so much. Talking to him feels like flying. I'm not used to being as free as I get to be with him. But I know he's not ready just yet to open up and fully trust me.. that he needs time. That I need to be patient.
It's just hard to want something so much and know that all you can do is give things time, and take one step in front of the other.
I talked to my sister last night for a bit. She's ... acting weird. There is a subtle note of disapproval from her lately. And I don't like it. I'm to that point that I'm tired of trying to connect with her and I'm just going to stop trying. But it almost feels like she's not happy for me and the progress I'm making in my life. And I don't know why.
Of all the people in the world - she knows how hard I've struggled. She should be the happiest for me. But it doesn't work like that sometimes.
1:12 PM - 05.21.2021
So... I've been kinda down for the count for the last couple of days. My mom and I ordered take away from Texas Roadhouse for my birthday on Sunday - and even though I only ate about half my steak / made healthy choices for my sides - my body felt like it was too rich of a meal and I got a nasty attack of gout. Nothing like hobbling around on crutches for 2.5 days to make a person feel humble.
Things have felt a bit strange with Tim. I probably jinxed myself by talking about it. But he's been kinda non-communicative as much the last few days. If I am honest it felt like he was downright avoiding me.I finally got to the point that I broke down about it ... and he called me very early this morning when he was half asleep to talk to me about it. He was very apologetic and tried to be reassuring about his intentions and feelings.
But I can't escape the feeling that we're not on the same page. I don't do .. casual. You're either in something with me or you're not. And I really feel like he's trying to keep things open, and not committed. This means if I allow things to continue ... the risk is entirely mine. And I don't think that can be a good thing. He isn't very solid about his sexuality either. I arouse him and get him going - and he says he's probably bi - but he's been living life for a long time as someone who was gayer than straight leaning. And the potential for him to play things out with me to get an experience out of it and then walk away from it ... is pretty high. As he's already expressed to me he isn't sure he can maintain this.
So it's a lot to think about.
And I really honestly don't know what to do about it. Because my feelings are already involved. And I've been so upset over the last little while thinking about the ex a lot. The ex really messed with my head more than I realized. I have a lot of distrust for situations that I didn't use to have. It's like I don't know how to trust my own instincts.
And I can't tell if the feeling of lack of safety is ... accurate, or if it's a fear that should be paid attention to. I don't know if trust and safety will improve with time, or if I should cut and run.
I've tried to talk to my sister about a lot of this .. but lately she doesn't seem to have time for me. She's spending all her time with new people .. and has been .. I don't want to say intentionally ignoring me .. but ignoring me in favor of these other things. She's not there for me ... even when I express that I need her.
So all around lately am feeling pretty much like I don't have anyone to rely on but myself. And I've been doing okay with managing my health stuff on my own .. but everything else going on in my life? Not so much.
10:21 AM - 05.20.2021
Well... I'm 40. Today is my birthday. I can remember a time in my life when I never thought I'd live to 20. So I guess you can say I am a survivor.
I haven't written in a few days - but things are going well. My weight loss journey continues. I'm currently down 16lbs from my starting weight. I don't really feel like there is an end in sight. I have started to lose pretty consistently. I've stopped feeling hungry ALL THE TIME. My body is slowly adjusting to the new foods I've been eating. We haven't been perfect - we eat out once in a while. But even when we do .. we just make better choices.
I met someone new. His name is Tim. And I wish I could explain how I feel about him ... but it was like an instantaneous connection. It feels impossible to slow it down. But some part of you doesn't want to. It feels so great.
The only bad spots are the little notes of doubt that I sometimes have .... they're not triggered by anything he's doing, but by things my ex did. I find myself afraid to tell him certain things, certain he will chew me out or yell as my ex would, and when he doesn't .. the relief is almost palatable. He compliments me so often and makes me feel so good. Whereas my ex was all about restriction and doling out compliments or kindness sparingly .. Tim feels like a tidal wave of abundance. But because it feels so good .. it's overwhelming.
I guess that's where the fear comes from. I don't want to mess this one up. Cause I feel so lucky. guess we'll see where this goes.
I didn't get the promotion I wanted at work .. but I have been tasked with more things lately .. so feel I'm on a path towards success even if it's delayed.
As I start this 40th year .. it feels like it's all coming up aces.
11:16 AM - 05.17.2021
Sorry I haven't written for a few days - I've been a bit under the weather. Make plans, and then watch God laugh at you. I am sure I can kiss any chance for potential advancement good bye - nothing like getting a nasty sinus infection & ear infection to ruin your plans. But ... the good news is, I am starting to be on the mend. I just don't have a lot of energy and I can tell my body is still fighting the infection.
In other news - I realized it's been almost 2 months since my mom and I started our health journeys and thus far I am down 8lbs from where I started (roughly) my mom is down about 4-5 lbs. We haven't really been on a typical diet - we've just been making a point to have healthier meals and are mindful of portion sizes. It's the first time we've never felt deprived - and we're still making progress no matter how long it's taking - progress is being made. I'd be lying if I didn't admit i wish it were faster progress - but at this point I'm not looking for speed I'm looking for sustainability.
Anyway just checking in - wanted to say that I'm still here.
12:24 PM - 05.07.2021
I feel good. Happy. Strong. Powerful. Confident.
I feel like I'm in love... but for the first time ever it's with myself.
I feel like I'm glowing and I can't stop smiling.
Happy Habits I've started since this all started:
- Actually going to bed / getting some rest
- Drinking more water / down to 1 can of soda a day
- Stretching Exercises
- Listening to music or books on tape instead of things which stress me out
- Smiling more in general
- Writing in my journal again more consistently
- Feeling less guilty for not doing what others think I should be doing and instead just enjoying the things I like doing.
On facebook this morning there was a memory from 9 years ago. In it was a picture of me that I am sure I felt fat in - and I look at things now - and i wish I were back there. I wish I were able to be that "fat" now.
I don't think that will happen to me any more. If I fight my way back there - I don't think I'm going to still feel fat - because I will know exactly how hard I fought to get there. I feel like it's a waste of energy to hate yourself. I spent so many years trying to be what others wanted me to be - and now I am going to be who I want to be. And as long as I am proud of myself I don't need anyone else to be.
But I am happy. Like genuinely feel happy - and I don't have a boyfriend - I live in my mom's house - I haven't lost all my weight - I don't have a job promotion. I am pretty much as low as a person could get - and yet I'm happy. And I know that if I keep at this - I will only get stronger and happier as time goes on. So .. don't listen to anyone who tells you, you need to have it all before you're happy. You can be happy here and now.
12:10 PM - 05.01.2021
Today I finally saw results on the scale. I've been feeling my clothes get looser, and been feeling more energetic and healthier lately since I've been eating better food - and in general been taking better care of myself - but to see actual results finally start on the scale - feels really fantastic - like I'm moving in the right direction.
I decided to apply for a job at work. I know going in, I am unlikely to get it - simply because there are a lot of people eligible for it, and only 1 position. But it felt good to for once have the confidence to even try - instead of wishing I could do something and then talk myself out of it. No one else is coming to save me. No one else is going to work to promote me. You can't trust anyone else to advocate for or champion you. Only you can do that. So I feel good for even being willing to try. I am hoping that it will put me on the radar towards other opportunities in the future.
I forgot to mention the other day my mom did buy me a flextarian cook book. So that's cool. I'm not sure it will have anything I want to make in it, I can be pretty picky - but I like that it's there. And I like she's kinda on board with some of this. Even if she's sometimes doing undermining things - she's mostly trying to be supportive.
My frustration for my lack of independence isn't really a knock on her. For a long time - she's been the only reason that I have been surviving at all. Without her I'd of been homeless. Living with her has allowed me to pay down debt and I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. I felt really bad for saying bad things in my last entry. My mom is helpful in a lot of ways - just sometimes she's got her moments of being unhelpful too. Love can be complicated - but she is my favorite person on this earth and I feel really lucky to have her.
So .. just putting that out there.
Trying to be healthier person mentally and emotionally and physically can be full of so many ups and downs. The highs are amazing - the lows are brutal - but if you don't give up - you can find yourself in a place of ... balance? and I gotta say that even though I have so much farther to go - I am enjoying where I am right now.
9:02 AM - 04.29.2021
Today I fit into a shirt I've been too chubby to wear for a long time - and yesterday I was able to put on sandals that my feet had gotten too fat / swollen to wear any more. They're small victories - but they're progress in the right direction.
I want to buy a treadmill - my mom is putting up her road blocks to me getting one which is frustrating for me - but at least temporarily I'll allow her to stall me about this - but I can't let it derail me or prevent me from proceeding with what I know is best for my health.
My mom decided to have us eat out this past weekend because we were both sick - and then the next day even though I made dinner she brought home crackle barrel because it's what she's been craving - and I managed to just eat a half portion and save the rest for another meal later in the week - but it's just so frustrating that she keeps suggesting things that derail things a bit.
Some of the food options from the delivery service that I think are great - she doesn't like - so it limits our choices to buy from them - and it's just frustrating I think for me sometimes to be stuck in a position where i can't just pursue my goals without her interference. But I live in her house - and I couldn't afford to live comfortably at the moment or afford to buy the food I've been buying which is healthy for me if it weren't for her. So I can't paint her in a bad light completely ...
I just find it frustrating to sometimes not be able to do what I want to do because I don't have my own antonymy - which - if I am honest is the biggest reason for me wanting to make changes in my life - even more than my health - the health improving is a happy accident really - really I just want to feel able to have control of my own life - and not being able to be mobile is the biggest thing limiting my ability to have control - even now sitting at my desk at work my knee is throbbing in pain. Why? No reason. It just does this. I am often in pain for no reason. And I'm just so ready for that not to be the case.
So I will except the limits I'm presented with atm - but long term - I am going to get what i want - I've made the decision that I am losing weight and reclaiming my life - and that's just what's going to happen. It doesn't matter how long it's going to take or what obstacles are in the way. I just have that determination and confidence in myself to see this through. I feel like I was just waiting until I couldn't NOT change - I feel like I had to get more miserable than the inconvenience of living my life the way I was - and once that happened - it was like a light switch flipped and it's like okay boys .. lets do this.
I know my mom loves me. She loves me a great deal. Probably more than I deserve sometimes. I just think sometimes her issues ... get tied up in mine - and it's hard whenever I try to break free a bit. But things will adjust. We will adapt. Changes are on the rise.
11:45 AM - 04.28.2021
Well... I cheated?
For days I've been craving McDonald's and kept trying to curb that craving, and talk myself out of it. I was successful for many days / many cravings - but finally I gave up and just caved in today and ordered myself a couple of things when what I brought for lunch wasn't enough to fill me up.
I way over paid for it, because my order was so far under the $12 for free delivery thresh-hold, but I didn't want to buy more than I needed just to avoid paying delivery. I just wanted to buy what I was craving so I could stop thinking about it.
I know I'm suppose to feel guilty. But I don't really feel guilty. I feel .. relieved. Like the pressure and anxiety I had been holding onto about it, could finally be released.
I like the idea of counting calories, and staying within a particular budget of calories - with special attention to macros, and being "balanced". But I wasn't prepared to wage a psychological warfare with myself every single day as i scrutinize everything I eat - and feel really bad any day I go a few grams over this macro or that macro. It feels.. bad. And I am beating myself up. And I don't like that.
I've spent so much time the last 2 weeks thinking about food and obsessing about it more than i ever did before. And that's not really what I want to do. Do I want to eat less junk food...yes. Do i want to obsess and make myself crazy? No, no I do not.
I do want to be skinnier / and lose some weight. My health needs require that I be more serious about my health - but there are two types of health - mental - and physical - and the mental health component shouldn't be suffering just to satisfy the physical one. So .. I think today I'm just going to accept I had an ice cream cone and a cheese burger and not make a big deal about it.
I still want to stay on this path. I just don't want to beat myself up over it - or make myself go down some guilt / shame spiral which just results in me giving up on all the good progress I've made.
3:15 PM - 04.16.2021
You know that feeling you get when you're falling in love with someone new - when the relationship is new and ripe with potential - and you feel like you've got a secret that you're exploding from inside with - that you want to shout to the world - and keep all to yourself at the same time?
Yeah - that's how I feel about the changes I'm making in my life. I feel just happy and optimistic ... as if I'm never going to have a bad day - and nothing is going to go wrong. I have the confidence of young love - happy for where I feel like I'm going - and really just so excited I can barely contain it.
As if trying to bring me back down to earth my knee has been in pain for the last week. NO idea why really - I haven't been exercising - it just hurts. And no matter how I sit at work it hurts, and trying to adjusst how I sit just make it or some other part of my body hurt.
But there's this inner voice inside of me ... Not today Satan. Not giving in. Not giving up. I've waited too long for a growing season - and I'm going to bloom. Not staying stuck where i was. That's not what we're about.
10:53 AM - 04.12.2021
I did something I haven't done for years tonight - I drove a car!!
It shouldn't seem like such a huge accomplishment ... but since I haven't driven since I was 26 and I'm a month shy of 40 - it's sort of a big deal (at least to me).
I feel like things that use to scare me aren't holding me back any more. I'm finally making real changes and I'm really just so excited and proud of myself.
11:37 PM - 04.11.2021
The last few weeks have been ... good. Mom and I have stuck to our healthy eating plans, and cooked ALL of our meals at home. The novelty of cooking at home wore off pretty quick and it's taken some getting use to, the extra effort and time needed to shop - prepare - and clean up after our meals. But the payoff has been better fitting clothes / more energy / and just a general feeling of feeling *good* instead of how we were feeling eating so much junk. It's been pretty amazing to me how good simple food has become to me. A slice of toasted whole grain bread with fresh smashed avocado and an heirloom tomato sliced up - on top feels and tastes like spring time to me. It reminds me of the fresh sliced tomatoes my grandpa use to serve us when we were kids along side meals at their house when we were kids that he grew in his garden. Simple pleasure really. But positive pleasure.
I've been struggling some / more than I want to admit with lack of sugar in my diet since I made the switch however. Cravings for certain foods - even foods i didn't eat that often when eating how I use to eat before deciding to make this change have been pretty intense / gnarly. However I feel like this is my body wanting to stay stuck where it was and me needing to push past this period of resistance because I feel like if I can do that - I'll begin to feel a lot better. Because the truth is - this isn't a diet - for me it's a lifestyle change.
Somewhere along the way over the last few years/months I sort of hit a wall - where I just have realized I can't continue down the path I'm on. My health has been rotten for too long - and physically not feeling well is keeping me not only a prisoner in my body physically - but emotionally as well. Days I am feeling better are almost always days in which I feel more optimistic and content not only with myself but what I perceive my future to be. But when I'm struggling and feeling trapped as I have been ... I just feel so low. It's frustrating to have limited mobility - an inability to stand for long periods - or on really bad days even walk the shortest of distances without pain. Even sedentary hobbies like watching television or gaming becomes painful. I can't leave the house and go places. I can't even cook meals for myself and engage in things i love. Anyone who said being a fat person is easy - has not felt it's negative effects yet. It can be quite hard. And it's emotionally taxing.
But it really feels more than anything - that I can't live the life I want because of my size. And so for me it just feels like it's time for a change. And this time feels easier than any of the times I've wanted to change in the past because this time it feels like the changes are really for me. In the past my desire to be healthier and to lose some pounds were always rooted in wanting to be sexually more attractive to other people. They were rooted in wanting to feel confident in myself. And this time, if I am honest I don't feel motivated by that. Because I already feel confident in myself. I know whom I am and my worthiness. And I feel like a very worthwhile person. Atm it feels like my body and my physical appearance aren't in alignment with one another. I feel I look cute or nice - and often times I will look in the mirror and it's almost like it's confusing who I see staring back. Like physically I do look the way I feel inside and it's sort of surprising to me - and I feel almost annoyed with others who can't see me the way I see myself. But at the end of the day for me at least - it's really not about anyone else.
I just want to get to a point where I genuinely feel happy all by myself without another person either by my side or feeling the need for their approval on any level. Most days I am already there mentally - I just need to get their physically. But sometimes i'm not .. and that's hard. Those days I feel lonely - or I feel tempted to fall back into bad patterns of trying to get validation or acceptance from people that if I'm honest - I'm really not that interested in. When you're single for a long enough period of time .. the irrational belief always seems to want to take up root and that is - I'm never going to find someone again - I am going to be single forever - and you know it's irrational most likely - but it can feel that way when there is no one you would consider worthy on the horizon. And you wonder how / when / where you're going to meet your next person ..
And yeah,.. sometimes I do that. But more often lately I just want to feel okay inside me at first.
My desires to be healthy are good. I don't want the complications of living with type 2 diabetes. I don't want the kind of periods I've struggled with over the last year or two where occasionally I have periods in which for 2 days I bleed so much that I almost can't get off the toilet because I soak through any sort of tampon or pad situation almost immediately and I lose so much blood that I feel genuinely weak and sick. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. And I just don't want to live like that any more. I want to be able to sit at my computer without feeling pain in my joints. I want to fit into my clothes better. I want to be able buy the kind of clothes that I like style-wise - instead of having to settle for what fits - which is not always the same thing.
The truth is - I feel like the person I really am, is sort of trapped inside of this person that I am not. Like I've been carrying around physically all this baggage that doesn't belong to me any more. I feel like my heart and my mind were sick for a long time and I spent a long time working on healing it - and settling for things I didn't deserve - and now that mentally I am in a healthier place / it's time to get my physical body to a place where it matches that.
In that way -- changing / and doing the things we've been doing - hasn't really felt hard at all. I haven't really felt like quitting - or felt like my current means of eating is too restrictive. In fact in some cases I eat more now than I use to. I'm staying full, longer. The food feels good to me - and I'm just enjoying the whole process of cooking again. I feel like I'm nourishing my body - instead of how it use to feel when I'd give in and order something super decadent from Door Dash - which is my inner me that wanted comfort would feel better but my physical self would feel sick immediately afterwards.
That life just doesn't belong to me any more.
I'm not going to say I'll never eat anything indulgent again - because of course I can and will. Hell - I've had brownies several nights a few times a week over the last couple of weeks and I'm still losing weight. The difference seems to be that I just feel better most of the time - so when I do have a treat - it genuinely feels like a treat again that i can savor. It feels special again.
I've been treating myself in other ways instead.
I bought myself an air fryer because I've been wanting one for a long while - and it's been like the best thing ever in terms of making healthier veggies / side dishes / dish components without a lot of extra work.
I have a new scale coming tomorrow that can weight / measure people of my size because the normal scales you buy on the market don't go up high enough to give any kind of accurate reading.
I've bought myself some new clothes for work - so that I feel more professional / better about my appearance. Years ago I would of done this to try and impress my boss or someone else - atm - I just want to do it for me - because I like the way i feel when I dress up. I've pretty much given up on the idea I'll ever get promoted at work. For almost 9 years now they dangle the potential offer for advancement in front of me - and then they give opportunities to people whom aren't me. At first it made me sad, then it made me angry, now I feel pretty indifferent. I know I don't want to work for this company any more long term. They've just treated me like crap for so long in so many different ways and made me feel so under-appreciated. That I know that I am currently only working here because I need to / as my ducks aren't in a row to be able to make other choices.
But the day will come I think within the next year / or maybe two - in which I decide to move on. And I will be all the better for it. But I'm just not there atm.
Physically need to be in better health. I also need to be able to drive vs needing to rely on my mom to drive me everywhere as that drastically limits where I can work atm.
I've been asking my mom the last few weekends to take me out practice driving so I can get comfortable driving again. We have ended up not having time .. but it's getting to the point where my desire to practice is bigger than my fear about driving / that's been keeping me afraid to do it for years.
I just feel like a lot of things in my life are getting better - because I've gotten better. I've been seeing things as an investment in myself because I'm worth it, vs denying basic wants / needs.
Anyway I am getting sleepy again / been writing for almost an hour - so I am going to wrap this up and go lay down / hope I fall back asleep again. My joints are all in pain and spreading out on my bed / allowing them to rest is needed.
thanks for listening
3:48 AM - 04.10.2021
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