You really realize exactly how bad you've been, only when you start to get better. When the level of filth you are willing to tolerate shifts - it no longer feels like a choice whether or not to try and do better - you just have to. Because you can't accept the surroundings to which you find yourself in any more.
11:54 AM - 03.21.2021
Ever feel kinda caught in a place you don't want to be, but not really sure how to get out of where you are? That's kind of how I feel right now - like I'm in some kind of limbo or transitional period where all I can do is try and stay content in the moment and keep making good choices when I have the chance to make choices.
My credit rating has gone up considerably and my credit limit was increased to $2,000. This is a car that started off at $300 and improved with time to $500 - the fact that it's now $2, 000 kind of blows my mind. It's been a lot of hard work repairing my credit and trying to get it back towards a place where I'm financially stable again. I have savings starting to accumulate again too. I don't know if I will be enough for me to afford to buy a house / get my own apartment by the end of the year which is what I told my mom I would do - but I think it will be enough to put me well on my way. If my mom decides to kick me out / force me to move out - I'll have more than enough money saved to get a new apartment - it's just that I'd rather have either my own car or a home first - and not have to go into debt each month paying for rent when that money can get me closer to my financial goals. A lot of that depends on my mom though.
This week I decided to talk to some folks I met on a dating app. I thought that since i was lonely I was ready to date - but to be honest I don't really think I am ready still. Because the idea of dating other people still fills me with dread. I don't feel good about myself or my body and it puts me in a very weird place mentally. And it filled me with a lot of anxiety about needing to explain to other people what I'm doing with my time and why I might not want to do what they want to do when they want to do it.
I think I prefer being able to control my own time .. and not have to respond to anyone else. Being lonely sucks. But I think I prefer that feeling in some ways. Most of the time I feel fine if I don't let myself think about it too much.
I haven't been sleeping very well this week - the time change has been messing with my body rhythms. I feel like "tired" is kinda how I feel all the time now.
12:42 PM - 03.19.2021
It's been awhile since I've written. I've been down the rabbit hole emotionally since the insurrection at the capitol. I know it's an external thing that is going on around me, instead of to me - but it's just been so emotionally taxing over the last 4 years living in constant fear and horror as our laws and our traditions are just flagrantly ignored. It's been so frustrating to watch them just get away with it. To realize no one was going to come to our rescue or save us - that the people who were suppose to protect and maintain our constitution have no interest in doing so - they only have ambitions for power.
It's been so emotionally taxing. And we were so close to it being put behind us, when that happened - and it just really upset me. Have we gotten so far removed from reality that we now think violence is an acceptable means? It's truly scary watching this all unfold. I don't know what kind of world we're in, but it hasn't felt like a particularly good one for a long time.
I've found myself pulling away from the news and wanting to know every little thing that happens - cause i can't walk around that scared, that angry, that frustrated any more.
My health has been a bit better - or I've not been in as much pain as long as i take my meds. I've been able to cook a bit more often - but I still need to do more. I'm hoping to really focus on my health more this year.
My dad told us he fell down and cut his head - and was understandably freaked out about it cause he was acting like it wasn't a big deal and waited til the next morning to go to the doctor. They said he's okay after being checked out .. but i was freaked out as this is not the first time my dad has hit his head in the last year.
My sister told my mom it's because my dad is High that it happens. That he's been abusing his pain meds. I don't know if it's true or how she knows this to be true but it's been really upsetting for me. Because my dad has struggled with substance abuse most of my life - and he got clean and sober at one point and stayed that way for a while - but he's recently been struggling with it more. The pandemic has made it worse for him as he's isolated.
But he has everything to live for. He had 3 small grand children who don't know him for the abusive person us kids all knew him as - (as he was a different person using than sober) and they were all willing to love him. He had another chance/2nd chance to be to them the grandfather - he couldn't be to us as a father. And I just see him fucking it up again. And i just see him throwing it all away. My brother and sister have been distant from him. And I live at some distance from him - and went years without talking to him but a few years ago we reconnected and I have tried to have a relationship with him - even though it's pretty one sided. My dad is incapable of being on the phone more than 10 minutes. You could be telling him some soul crushing story for your day and in the middle of it - he will say he has to go. it's a very selfish sort of thing - but you can get use to it - and deal with it to have a relationship with him, because he's your dad and you want your dad in your life you know .. even if he's imperfect and it's on somewhat selfish terms.
But I just don't know if I can continue to go through this roller coaster with him with drug abuse again. I'm nearly 40 years old. (Will be later this year). And this man was abusive to me growing up .. and I found it in me to forgive him. How many times can I forgive him if he's going to keep throwing it away.
My heart hurts over it honestly. Like dad .. just get it together okay.
Work your program. Do the things you have to do, to stay clean and sober for your grand kids. For the people who love you.
I mean .. yeah.
9:06 AM - 01.29.2021
I'm feeling a bit positive today. I bought myself a few self-care type presents over the last few days - to take care of myself. A new lunch sack, which will be able to hold all the food / beverages I cart to and from work - a planner to keep me on track, and accountable. And lastly a brush which dries as you comb through your hair - to give me some motivation to take better care of mine. It use to be something that I always took really good care of, and even if I didn't wear make up - I always felt pretty because my hair looked nice - but in recent years if I manage to put it up in more than just a pony tail - I made a serious effort. And it might just be one small step - but any step towards feeling better about myself has to help.
Right now it feels like all things are possible. And I love that feeling. It's that feeling you get when you're in a new relationship - and you're not sure what's going to happen and you don't want to get too far ahead of yourself but you can't help but thinking about what might happened when it works out ...
I've just never had this feeling about myself before. It feels weird to be excited about what might come next for myself. But damn it feels good to ... feel good about it.
5:24 PM - 12.30.2020
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