It's been a while since I posted. Works been busy and time just sorta gets away from us sometimes. It's been about 2 months now, post break up. I still think about him. I wonder if he's okay. I think about reaching out to check on him - but I don't. I think that it's probably normal to miss him - but it's also normal to recognize what we had was unhealthy and to want to reject that energy in my life - even if it also means rejecting him in the process. Heck for all I know he's not thought of me at all since it ended.
I know that I am healing because I've been thinking about what kind of relationship I'd like to have or be in again - but any time I start going too far in that direction i sort of mentally pull myself back. The truth is - I don't want to be involved with someone just to cure the loneliness. I have some work I need to do on me right now and I genuinely feel that any relationship that I were to get into right now - would only distract from that. And I just ... don't want to be distracted.
My health hasn't been in good shape. I'm diabetic/pre-diabetic. My gout's a bit out of control - and causing me pain and inconvenience nearly daily. And I've never been as fat as I am now. Oh it's so obvious something has to change .. On days I'm feeling the worst - i am the hardest on myself. And I think honestly the relationship I need to work on most is with myself. I need to build my self esteem up. But it's hard to have self esteem when you feel sick or unwell emotionally, mentally or physically. But just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth some effort. So I'm trying to figure that out.
I was talking to a friend about making dinner - and he shared what he was making - and what he does to plan his meals and meal prep ... and it was the strangest thing to witness someone else having their stuff together in a way that I just, well ... don't, and frankly never have. And I felt this yearning feeling in my chest. Not for him .. but for me. I want that for myself.
The kitties have settled in and despite being very naughty - are well loved and very spoiled in our household with lots of cuddles and attention.
World of Warcraft has launched another expansion and I'm currently enjoying my play experience 4 weeks in. I've been playing with older friends. And it's been good to spend time with them again. I know I will need to find a guild to enjoy the parts of the game that I most like - but so far I've been reluctant to do so. I feel that way about a lot of things in my life if I'm honest.
I feel like I'm not ready to need the nest of what feels comfortable. I know I need to get going but for now I'm either healing, or staying close to what's familiar because I'm just trying to get the ground beneath me to stop shaking - once it feels more stable I'll be ready to head out again.
In the meantime - it's time to hibernate for winter.
11:26 AM - 12.28.2020
It's almost 1am. I should be in bed sleeping, but of course I'm still awake. My excuse is that I'm cleaning the cat box, and putting away clean laundry - but the truth is, that I'm lonely. That I miss being able to say good night to him. The last week or so I have started to feel as though what we shared wasn't really love - just two lonely people dependent upon the other to feel less alone. I use to enjoy being alone. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be alone. The only real explanation that I have is that when I'm alone, my mind thinks about all those things I don't like thinking about - my failing health, and what little I am doing to fix it. My ailing finances - and my dead end job that makes me feel stuck. My lack of car, and my fear of driving. It's oh so much easier to worry about what my partner is thinking - and if my partner is gone - how to find a new one. If I am single and I don't have a distraction - I have to think about healing my relationship with myself. Of viewing myself in a better light. Of not being so hard on myself. Of learning to love myself first. Of strengthening my relationships. Of figuring out what I really want and having the courage to go after it. I dunno. Everything just feels harder when you're single.
I had a date on Halloween. He seemed okayish - at first. But it became pretty clear very early on that he isn't what I'm looking for. Today we were chatting a bit back and forth and after a mildly tense exchange about an area we both disagreed upon - he got quiet without a word - and when pressed to converse further simply stopped talking. I apologized if I had offended him in some way, and then I heard crickets.
And I was upset about it for a while. I kept checking my phone to see if he had responded but at a certain point I realized he wasn't going to. And I could try harder - try to engage him in conversation - but at that point if I'm honest, I simply didn't want to. I don't want to chase after someone who handles conflict in that way. He never once said he was offended, and simply stop talking or disappearing is a shitty way to handle something if you're upset. Pretty easy to see he's not the one.
But more than that -- I felt a bit relived. I don't feel ready to be plunging back into a relationship with someone when I just got out of one.
It's okay to not be ready.
12:50 AM - 11.02.2020
So it's been a week.
I'm feeling okay still. Sometimes I get a bit sad - but most of the time I'm okay. It's been good to see and talk to my friends some. I am still, perhaps out of habit isolating a bit still. But I'm still not feeling quite myself and I don't want to rush back into social interactions as if nothing has happened. Sometimes it's hard to be sad in a crowd. And sometimes maybe we want to feel sad for a little while. Not forever .. but just for a little while.
My kitties woke me up first thing this morning howling to be let out of the room, I finally let them out after two hours and they were little terrors yanking the living room curtains (which are just on tension rods) again. But they're perfectly peaceful at the moment chilling in different rooms of the house. Willow is in here with my in my room - where I am writing this in between work calls, and Windsor is hanging out in the front room on my mom's couch. I've always joked he's a Grandma's boy because he seems particularly fond of my mom - and so it just makes me laugh his favorite place to chill where she isn't here - is in the front room which most smells like her.
I'm working from home at the moment even though it's my day off because work called and asked me to do some over time - they had a few call outs today so were hurting for people. I didn't mind working from home for a few hours - but if I'm honest, it's because it feels weird to be by myself. I feel a little uncomfortable in my skin right now and so having the excuse of work to keep me busy is preferred. That and I am working on trying to rebuild up a nest egg after I squandered what I had saved up so foolishly.
I don't know when I will feel less weird. I hope .. soon.
2:33 PM - 10.31.2020
I haven't written in a while. I've been sort of an emotional wreck with all this pandemic stuff. I've started to try and tune out the news again - not because I don't want to know what's happening in the world - but because I don't want to know what's happening in the world, all while knowing that while Trump is in office, nothing with change. His campaign strategy such as it is, has been to ignore reality and continue to double down on stupid. I've lost a few friends over it. Because they continue to support him -- and I couldn't not voice how I felt about it. I know better. But it's been so impossible to sit on my hands sometimes. It feels like some of us as screaming at the top of our lungs and others don't even look up. It's a very powerless feeling. And I just realized I was walking around with a rage ball in my stomach that I couldn't get rid of. I'd started having trouble sleeping. Anxiety and fear have been my constant companions. And I just need a bit of a breather. I know it will only get worse after election day. Gotta save up one's strength.
Last night we broke up. It should come as no surprise to anyone. I've been unhappy for a long time. In fact I was unhappy almost right from the beginning. One could ask why I bothered. Why I hung in there. Why I bent. Why I gave. Why I tried to twist myself in knots for him. And the truth is... I really don't know. Except to say that there were parts of him I really loved. And times with him that meant a lot to me. And I feel sad tonight because it's the first night I've spent more than 24 hours without speaking to him in I don't know how long.
He picked a fight with me last night about something small - and it started to blow up - and instead of feeling bad, or backing down, or trying to save our relationship like I always do. I simply gave up. I blocked his phone# so he can't call or text. I blocked him on every social media account that I could. It was extreme. It was harsh. It was ... well necessary. Necessary so he couldn't call me again and talk to me for hours until I admit somehow it was my fault and agree to continue with our relationship. Like I have so many times before. I just don't dont want to do this any more. I'd been feeling like I would be better off if I ended things for the last couple of weeks but I was stuck in that should I stay or should I go mode. Where I didn't want to hurt him - and I wasn't quite ready to give him up yet. He made it clear so many other times that if we broke up, that was it - that it was the end. That there would be no friendship afterwards.
Say what you will about my Baby but he was always mister all or or nothing. And I lived in the greys of possibility. A bird might love a fish, but where would they live? And so it is that it's come to an end. And I knew it had to. And I wish it had ended better - ended with a conversation and not a fight. Ended in a way in which I didn't completely ice him our. But for once I needed to protect myself.
And I am sad. And I am angry. And I wish things could of been different. For a time they had the potential to be. And that's how all relationships are really. They all have potential -- and then life happens, and we adjust and we adjust and we adjust until we can't adjust any more. We weren't growing together - and I couldn't continue to compromise entirely on my own.
I haven't told anyone but my mom. I only told her because we live together. I know at some point I'll have to tell my friends. And I know they'll be supportive in their way. But they weren't supportive of us being together - because they saw all the things i always wanted to avoid - and I can't face their I told you so's right now. So for a few days at least I'm just going to go through the motions of trying to feel like a person again.
It always feels so strange after a break up. Like you're a person walking around without your heart. And it's like you forget how to feel like yourself. And we have to relearn it.
It's been hard for me to cry. I can feel the tears below the surface but they don't want to come to the surface much. It's like I'm afraid to steer into them. But I will. With time. Time marches on.
And tonight I have lost a friend. And even if I get over our break up - I don't think I'll get over losing my friend.
But like this reign of terror that has been the Trump Presidency - all bad things eventually come to an end. And newer / better days are ahead. And they will be for me. There will be new challenges too.
But it's time to have hope. P.S. I've had 2 new kitties named Windsor and Willow for about a month now. They are little hellions, and not the least bit house broken. But I'm hopeful they can learn in time.
10:12 PM - 10.25.2020
I haven't really written in awhile. I'm sorry it's been so long. I guess the truth is I've been struggling to go back to work. I haven't felt very good - finally got some antibiotics so they're helping. So physically I'm on the mend, but mentally I went from focusing too much on my relationship to focusing too much on other things. I'm still not really in balance. My guy and I have been spending a lot of time together. In the evenings lately we've been settling in to watch shows or movies on Netflix. I wish I could say there's been more going on there but there hasn't really been a lot. We watched all 4 seasons of Lucifer, and we watched season 2 of Dare Devil. Tonight we started episode 1 of Luke Cage. It was after we got done watching it that things got a bit tense. We had a conversation. Well more of an elevated conversation. He got upset. And I got upset to him getting upset but I didn't really give into those feelings and lose my cool and as a result it ended up being more conversation than fight. But it still felt like what I said didn't get through to him.
The truth is -- I'm starting to feel like if things don't change soon, that I will probably be done with this relationship. I've given so much time, energy, feelings, and attention to this situation. I've done everything that a person can possibly do. I've even done the utterly unthinkable and been patient. And it's not really been enough. How long can a person keep giving to a situation they're not getting back what they want out of it? Love doesn't run. He likes that country song. But the truth is -- it's not love if it's one sided. He thinks because he told me once months ago he cares about me - that he doesn't need to say it again. That you can tell a person something once or maybe twice when you've been together for months and that should suffice unless he tells me different. It's such a bullshit thing to believe. Of course that's not enough. I don't need daily affirmations. But a compliment once in a while. A reminder that I am valued and appreciated. It's not too much to ask.
The truth is when you love someone you'll move mountains for them, and he doesn't even want to jump a puddle for me. It's a relationship entirely on his terms. And it's not fair. And I'm not happy in this situation. And it bothers me because he seems comfortable with my discomfort. Some of my friends and family aren't happy that I've chosen to be with him or be in this situation. And it's made me feel very alone - because he's not as bad as they say / believe he is. They don't see the good things.The other day we were talking and for some reason I said "anger babies" and he just thought it was the funniest thing ever and he just kept repeating it with a funny voice and adding things on to it, until we were both laughing so hard our stomachs hurt. Sometimes he just gets my sense of humor in a way no one else does.
The other day my friend misunderstood something I had said, and sort of snapped at me in a way that makes it clear to me that she disapproves of him despite efforts we've made to change things. And I was angry.... and then I was hurt.
When he acts intolerable or unreasonable - it's frustrating to feel like they might be right. And when things are good and we feel happy -- it's frustrating to know they're wrong. It's frustrating to feel like no matter what I decide - someone feels the need to have control over my life - like they've stolen my voice from me.
So tonight - I tried to tell him how I felt. I didn't tell him how I felt as an ultimatum. I didn't put the fate of our union on the line. I just told him the truth from my heart - and it felt like he couldn't hear me or understand - and in the end i ended up sending him to bed with things feeling a little unresolved. Because it just felt like it's not the sort of thing that will be resolved in one night.
But when talking to my mom the other day i told her pretty much that it sucks because I feel like I either need to be in a relationship in which I'm not happy / not getting what I want / need / deserve -- or I have to give him up. And I care about him. And I want to be with him and the idea of us not being together - and losing him from my life - feels impossibly hard. Neither choice feels good to me. So I continue to wait. But I hate feeling like ... I'm not getting back what I put in. I feel unappreciated and unloved and I shouldn't feel that way. I've been in relationships in the past that were uneven and I promised myself I wouldn't be in one again.
6:17 AM - 06.07.2020
I think I figured out why I've been feeling so ... unsure lately. And it's because even though he's come back around and is making effort again - I can still pick up on his fear. It's right under the surface. Even how he responds to me sometimes -- it's like I know he is expecting x reaction - and when I don't react that way, he's totally unprepared for it. I want to have one of those touchy feely type conversations. I crave one of those in depth heart to heart conversations - in which I feel better because I get him to say out loud things that will reassure me. But it occurred to me tonight as I lay on the couch watching tv. The anxiety I'm feeling -- is not my own. I know how I feel about him. I know where I want us to end up.
It's not my anxiety that I'm feeling. It's his. It's his remembering the past. It's him remembering failed relationships with his exs. It's him still being caught up in that head-space. It's him whose convinced he's better off single because everyone he meets will hurt him. It's him assuming that I don't really care about him. It's him who assumes I'll cheat. It's him assuming I'll lie. It's all his baggage. And I pick up on his feelings. And it makes me feel reluctant to unpack my bags and get too comfortable - because I'm not convinced he'll stay. He's left or tried to leave so many times.
I really do feel like he cares about me though. He's just scared. And I'm not really sure that I can ever convince him not to be scared. A lot of that stuff is self work - and he's gotta want to do it on it's own. I can't wait for forever for him to give back what I give. But I hope that I can wait long enough. Cause the last few days just being near him - I've felt happy. I really do love him. It's been nice to feel him close to me. Even if I don't know if I get to keep him.
10:37 PM - 05.20.2020
I woke up this morning with this pit of fear around my heart. We had a good night last night. We've had a good couple of days actually. But that memory of all the pain that was caused when it felt like he was gone is strong in my heart space right now. And I'm afraid. Afraid to get close. Afraid to be patient. Afraid to love. I know he cares. There's no other reason he'd of stayed in a monkey suit for 6 hours at my friend's wedding with me. There's no other reason he'd agree to come hang out with my friends and family for 3 almost 4 hours when his least favorite thing in the world is to be social. There's no other reason he'd feel the need to explain to me the history he's had with this one person whose been making trouble in his and I's relationship. He wouldn't of told me about his financial troubles. He wouldn't of told me about his health issues. He just wouldn't of done any of the things he does which add up to - someone who really cares about me.
So why do I want to cry? Why am I afraid.
It's almost like I spent all this time worrying when he would come back around that I wasn't emotionally prepared for when he did.
He's still not said how he feels.
We're supposed to be going slow. Taking it easy.
I know I need to calm down.
Take a few breaths.
But I honestly just feel a bit sick to my stomach.
1:54 PM - 05.19.2020
I haven't written in a few days. And there's a lot that's happened - but it feels weird to try to put what's going on into words. Tonight we spent some time in a small group setting with some close friends and family. It was a pretty big deal for him to be willing to spend time with them. And also a pretty big deal for them to ask him to be a part of it. There was laughter and it was a good time. It makes one hope things can be better.
But there's still this feeling inside of me -- of being afraid to trust that it's here to stay. To trust he'll stay. To trust he wants me. To trust how he feels. Because I don't know if he is feeling everything. He's opening up more. But he's still not really talking about his feelings.
I'm trying to stay out of my head and in my heart. But I don't know what my heart feels.
1:23 AM - 05.19.2020
There's been lots of conversation the last couple of days. He's been affectionate again. He's been spending time. He's been opening up. He's been explaining things. He's putting in effort to things. I'm not sure how I feel about him still. I love him - and I'm glad he's coming back around but there's some part of me which isn't sure about trusting it, or this connection. There's been so much pain, and so much time when it felt like this was done. For it to switch so quickly ...
I almost got into a fight with my friend today about him. She's still pretty stuck in her dislike of him, and her negative judgement about the situation - and he's pretty stuck in his distrust for her and the ideas he thinks she's put in my head. It feels like being stuck in the middle. And I'm not really that happy about it. At a certain point I just told her we needed to stop talking about it because I didn't want to say anything that would make things worse between us. But a part of me is just mad she can't just be supportive.
I dunno.
I'm tired. I'm going to sleep. I'll be more insightful in the morning. My birthday.
1:41 AM - 05.17.2020
To be honest ... I'm really fucking confused at the moment. After weeks of almost no contact beyond a few text messages - a day back and forth he randomly decides to call me last night and talk to me for hours. Not about our relationship - or his feelings or anything like that - he just ended up telling me about a video game he was playing while he ran around killing stuff. It was like... huh? Why? What the hell is happening right now.
It really started earlier in the day - when I'd messaged him to please let me know what the doctor said about his covid - and strange upon strange - he actually did. He messaged me to let me know when he was at the doctor - and followed up with me later when I asked and told me thankfully it wasn't covid - that they wanted him to stop taking one of his medications. It was / is strange. Because he'd taken to not contacting me at all until very late in the day.
Then last night when I got off work - and I just went and did my own thing - he seemed upset I hadn't told him I was done with work. He hasn't cared or wanted to know what I was doing in a long fucking time.
It's very bizarre.
He's never really been the type to talk about his feelings. He's always been a show me, not tell me kind of guy. And he's been showing me so much lack of interest and lack of care for a long time. So for him to do a 180 is very confusing for me. I don't know what to think - but for once I don't really want to think - my brain is cloudy anyway. It's like all the hard fought clarity I had about what was going to happen and how I felt - went out the window. And now I can't really get any messages from the universe as to what this means, or what to think. It's like the universe wants me to go within, and feel instead.
So how did I feel when I was with him? I felt nervous. That slight guarded feeling. But I also felt warm. I was playful. We were playful with each other. We laughed together some. And it was just ... nice. But as it got closer to bedtime I felt like I needed to pull back. I needed to go to bed because I just felt too overwhelmed. He seemed pretty confused that I was leaving him before I said I'd been planning to go to bed. Truth is - I still am.
I don't know what this means. It might not mean anything. He might of just been bored and wanted to play games. But it didn't feel like that. No .. it felt like he was reaching out and trying to reconnect but he wasn't quite sure how. I guess we'll just have to take it as it comes and see what happens.
My Birthday is Sunday - and that birthday party is still planned for tonight. And my friend's wedding he agreed to be my date for is still happening. So I guess I'll be curious if he shows up. If he continues to communicate. If he's wanting to put work into this or not.
I want to have hope - but I'm really honestly afraid to.
9:17 AM - 05.15.2020
I felt really upset last night after I wrote all of that in my journal. The random strange and wondrous alchemy of sleep changed those moments of hurt and anger into a plan for my spirit. It reminded me that things work out how they're meant to. That we're meant to have faith and trust that in whatever lays ahead of us - we are being guided where we need to go. That it will always, be alright even if things don't end up how we want them to. The gentle and loving, urgent reminder that comes to you when you least expect it that 2 years from now, you can be living a life that you can't imagine now. That you will grow to fit new experiences and new opportunities that you couldn't envision for yourself now.
Facebook memories showed me a photograph I'd taken 4 years earlier of flowers my then boyfriend had sent me for my birthday. They were beautiful blue roses. Still the most beautiful flowers I've ever been sent. And they were sent to me by a person who very much loved me. But who if I were honest with myself I already knew I didn't love in the same way. He was one of those people that I *wanted* to love but knew I didn't. He did all the things that I'd always wanted a boyfriend to do. He should of been the love of my life - but he wasn't. I ended up breaking up his heart. I don't know how long after those flowers came it took for me to find the courage to be honest with him that what we were doing wasn't working for me - but I do remember I did eventually tell him. I've looked back sometimes over the last couple of years a few times and felt regret that I hurt someone who was kind and funny and wonderful to me in many ways. But I've never regretted being honest with myself about how I felt.
And this morning I find myself being honest with myself - even if I can't be honest with him yet - which is that this relationship right now isn't working for me. Not the way it is now. I can't continue to be in a situation in which I need to shrink myself for another person's happiness. I just ... can't do it. And if that means that he ends up not being the right person for me in the end, well my heart will be shattered but I will have saved my soul. And as long as my soul isn't shattered I will somehow find the way to move on.
This makes it sound like I'm going to break up with him. I'm not. At least not right now I'm not. What I am going to do though is take back my power, however subtly. Because in effort to make him more comfortable to trust and to love - I've given in to his subtle flattery, coercion and possibly a touch of manipulation so many times. And I realized this morning as I lay in bed not quite ready for the day ahead - that has to change. It is not necessary for me to give everything while he gives scraps in hopes that someday he will give everything too. I have been loyal. I have been giving. I have been patient. I have bent to the point I thought I would break so many times. And it's finally enough now, for me. Maybe not for him. But for me. This is it. No further.
He hasn't called my Babygirl in weeks - and yet I've continued to call him Daddy. (don't judge me for our lifestyle). But I realized this morning as I sent him my good morning text - that it felt damn good not to call him Daddy. I'm sure he's going to notice and I'm sure he's going to be angry with me eventually about it. And at this point - I feel like you know what - let him be angry. He doesn't want to be committed. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend. He feels like that commitment is too tough? Well he doesn't get the benefits either. That title is reserved for a non-selfish person. A person who cares about my well-being. Who cares for me. Who loves me. And he's not doing those things right now. He's being selfish and childish and only about himself.
So I told him good morning - I did what I've been trained to do. And I didn't dishonor who I am as a person - I was still caring towards him - because I am caring towards him -- but the element of absolute fear and obedience is gone. I also didn't worry about nor ask his permission to be able to participate in this event that I have going on this evening. I've taken to doing so out of deference to him. And I don't feel willing to do that any more. Actions have consequences. I'm not pushing the envelope that far. These are very subtle rebellions. But feeling empowered to rebel even a bit has given me courage and made me feel strong.
I've realized that whether I'm with him or not with him - I've been neglecting myself. I've been feeling fat (okay so I am always fat but I've been feeling excessively fat) and my health has been horrible lately. I've been giving him and this relationship all my energy and not taking care of me. Sleep has been very hit and miss with my anxiety. My water consumption is not where it needs to be at - at all.
I don't know career wise where I want to land I just know it's not quite where I'm at right now - and this whole needing to drive and figure that situation out has been pressing in the back of my mind for a while but I've not had the courage to tackle it. And so I think maybe just for a little while - I need to pull my energy back and focus on me. It's a way of reclaiming my power and reclaiming my strength that isn't going to immediately set off his alarm bells the way it does when I spend time with people that he doesn't feel comfortable around. But it is a good place to put my energy and focus - and it's the sort of energy and focus which will yield results which stay with me even if he's not a part of the future.
I don't think he has covid. I think he's sick. I think he's being dramatic. I think he wants me to be so worried about him and whether or not he's healthy - that I either forgo going to my birthday party / my friends wedding events that are planned for this weekend or I don't fully get to enjoy them. I think he wants to have my undivided attention. And I think that I no longer wish to give it to him. If he shows up for me like he said he would - great. And if he chooses not to -- I'll be disappointed but I've already decided that I'm not going to let him ruin my mood or keep it from enjoying myself.
The one thing he had going for him - that stood against all the other horrible things we've struggled with as a couple was that he showed up for me. That when he knew something was important to me - he would show up. And lately he hasn't been showing up. And at first this worked to make me feel uncomfortable without him. This made me cling to him / and spend the whole time I was at these events missing him. But those days are going to be put behind me starting now. He's been invited. If he has the energy to attempt to make me feel bad or guilty - then he has the energy to show up for me.
I'm not going to deal with this subtle flattery, coercion and possibly a touch of manipulation bullshit any more. I'm just not. If he wants a part in my life - then he will show up. He will do things he doesn't always want to do - because lord knows I do so many things that I don't want to do for him. It's called compromise. A thing he never wants to do. But he'll either learn or he'll lose me. And at this point - it's starting to not feel like very much of a loss.
There are two things that will make you lose me. Cheating on me. And failure to appreciate me. I am about 99% sure that he's already done the first. I can't prove it. But he's got a history of cheating with other girls. I'd be willing to forgive him for it honestly if he'd tell the truth about it. But he's not going to. We weren't monogamous and there wasn't a hard set in stone commitment between us in the beginning. If he were still juggling in the early days -- which I am starting to believe he was -- that can be forgiven, but only with honesty - and he's never owned up to it or been honest. I'm willing to forgive him if he were honest and willing to make a solid commitment going forward. But since he wont even agree he is my boyfriend right now - that's kinda out the window.
The 2nd one though - the failure to appreciate me thing. The taking me for granted thing. That is the one thing that kills how I feel for another person. I don't care if my boyfriend is my twinflame or my soul mate. I'll eat alone before I eat at a table that doesn't appreciate me. I honestly thought I was going to be alone my whole life anyway - so what difference does it make?
I don't have the strength to up and leave him right now. I do love him. I do have hopes we can work out. I do deep down understand he cares about me and understand that whatever he's going through right now will require a lot of patience on my part. I'm willing to do that work. I am. But not if it means failing to appreciate myself. Not if it means breaking my own heart. I am deserving of love and happiness. If my friends of family rise up against me about my boyfriend or how he treats me -- I will go for the jugular defending him. It is only privately when I'm alone that I'll ever admit that they have a point.
There is more than one way to leave a relationship. I don't have to end things with him to start rebuilding myself and doing things which feel healing and loving for myself. Everything that is truly meant for me in this world will always come to me.
I'm sick of my love being unrequited. It's time for me to love myself first. It doesn't mean I don't love him. It doesn't mean I'm going to be reckless and cut him out of my life. But it does mean things are going to change - however subtly. He's left my no other choice.
8:13 AM - 05.13.2020
Today was kind of a long day. I woke up this morning deciding that I was tired of feeling sad and frustrated. That I was tired of thinking about this relationship and letting it stress me out - that with or without him I wanted to be happy. So I made myself a good breakfast - I redirected my attention towards work - I put on happy music or things that make me feel uplifted when it was my breaks at work. And I just decided that I didn't want to think about this situation any more.
Of course that only really works during the day time. In the evening my thoughts always go to him. If I'm honest - I'm kind of more angry / annoyed than I am sad right now when it comes to him and I. Some part of me is remember our conversation earlier this week when I asked him if he was my boyfriend - and he wouldn't even commit to saying yes. I'm sort of feeling like - if he's *not* my boyfriend - why am I letting him still have so much power. Why am I following all his rules for how I live my life. I mean sure - I want us to work out - I want to be with him - but I've been offering him love and affection and all sorts of good things for a while now and I've barely been getting it back. And yes I know he has shit going on. But it's not like we never speak. We speak. We talk every single day. He could be more kind or more affectionate during those interactions. He could inquire how I'm doing - he could make more of an effort. Truth is - he's settled into hermit / fall back mode. Where he's being extremely passive. I feel like he's studying me. I feel like he's testing me and trying to decide if I'm worthy to be his partner and once he decides that I am well then he'll commit to me. Then he'll trust me. But in the meantime - I'm suppose to get nothing that I want and also not be dating anyone else. So I have to be committed to him and loyal to him but he doesn't owe me an ounce of commitment huh?
This relationship is really just unfair to me. On pretty much every level.
Tonight he told me he thinks he has Covid. He said this followed by, "so I might be dead on your birthday." And when I asked him if he was going to get tested ... he said he's got an appointment with the doctor on Thursday he'll wait to get tested / get treatment until then unless he's worse.
Like what in the actual fuck. A possible life threatening illness is NOT the time to be passive. I feel like that's his issue with everything in his life right now. He's too fucking passive about absolutely everything. This relationship. His health. Getting his shit together to move out of his mom's place - cause they've threatened to kick him out / or worse uproot him to a state he doesn't want to live in. And it's like DUDE. DUUUUDE. You can not just sit there and be passive in your own life. I have a tendency to be passive sometimes / or take my time making up my mind. But I don't wait this long. Not about important things.
But the birthday crack really bothered me. Some friends and I are having a birthday party for me online this year. Our avatars are going to get together and celebrate. It's honestly a shitty birthday. But it is what it is and you make the best of it. I asked him to come with me and since he doesn't like these friends he has very *maybe* about the whole affair. And well now that he's sick I don't even have to wonder any more. He's not going to show up. I'll be alone on my birthday. I'd wanted us to go to this birthday party event thing - and then slip off after a while to have some time alone to be romantic. But that's not going to happen either. In my heart of hearts I don't even want that to have been my idea. I wanted him to want to do something nice for me on my birthday. Birthdays are a big deal for me. I always spoil my boyfriends like crazy on their big day.
And after all this time - this shit shouldn't still hurt me. But it does. It's not like he purposefully got sick. But there's been so many times when I wanted to do things with friends/family where he's either started a fight so I didn't end up spending time with my friends or family - or he's been fighting with me so i'm text arguing with him instead of enjoying time when I'm with them. It just feels like sometimes - his jealousy and his insecurity issues ruin all of my good moments. And frankly it pisses me off / hurts me. Because if he'd just dig that stick out of his ass - he could of been there at those events with me - I always invited him to come along.
I feel like he's going to expect me to feel bad for him being sick and be worried about his feelings instead of enjoying my party. Or instead of being there with me as moral support - as some of the people coming to this event are people I'm on the outs with - they're coming because our group of friends is having a birthday party for me and this other girl together since both our birthdays fall in May. Having to see them is going to be rough. I just wanted him to be there with me.
And I'm just sad.
And I'm sad to think about him being sick and honestly worried it might be more serious and he's not taking it serious.
And I'm wondering why it is that this is the man that I love. Why couldn't I love someone whose nicer to me. Who treats me the way I treat them. I'm always so warm and forgiving towards him. Why can't he treat me like the amazing and rare person I am. I feel like the more this stuff keeps happening the more I feel like he's trying to drive me away. He's trying to make me leave him. And if I ever really do get sick of his shit enough to leave -- I know I will really hurt him.
I know intuitively if I am patient - like more patient than a fucking saint - he will eventually come around and will eventually be able to verbalize that caring down in his heart he has for me out loud. I know that eventually he will spoil me and love me and a deep and devoted way. I don't know why i know this - I just know it's true. But who has the patience for this shit?
Who has the ability to love someone who constantly stomps all over the sand castles that they build. Who is controlling. Whose controlling behavior alienates them from family and friends. I constantly feel like I can't be the happy and loving person that I am -- because he's threatened by it. And some days I don't know if I can do it. Some days I just want to give up.
I love him so much - but I am lovable and I deserve love too. And some days - I don't think I'm up to this challenge. I have a relationship which isn't a relationship. I'm single without any of the perks. I'm alone but not really alone. If I leave - I'll hurt him. If I stay he'll continue to hurt me .. until whatever magical timeline only he knows is reached. My spiritual teachings tell me to release the burden of this stress from my life - and just trust the universe. To just focus on myself. My goals.
We'll see.
I just had to vent/cry some of my frustrations out. Despite appearances it was actually a pretty good day. I got compliments from some of my customer's today.
Faith.
My faith is being tested.
1:48 AM - 05.13.2020
So for the last couple of months I've had this guy that I knew 15 years ago messaging me on Facebook. I don't know why they looked me up - I asked them multiple times but they really just said that they knew me or remembered me. But through the course of multiple conversations - they kept pushing to come visit me or see me. And I kept telling them no. They kept kind of laughing off what I said as if I wasn't serious. Well this morning I woke up and they asked me to video chat with them. And I guess for me -- it was the last straw. I told them we weren't going to do that and when they asked why - I had to once again explain that I had a boyfriend and it felt inappropriate. Well all day long it bugged me. I finally decided that I had to remove and block them from my list.
This was the message I sent them before I did it:
I'm not the type of person who wants to leave a person hanging. I hate when situations don't have closure for me, or I don't understand why something's happened. So - I'm going to send you an explanation at least. I feel like I've communicated to you on a few different occasions how I feel about something, and instead of accepting that is a truthful assessment of my feelings you've continued to push forward, ignoring those feelings as if they're not meant seriously. They were serious. Romantic comedies teach people if you want something just keep pursuing it, even if the other person told you no. That only works in the movies. In real life when you repeatedly ignore someone's feelings, or keep pushing for something the other person is clearly not interested in, or ready for -- it's not romantic, it feels like a violation of their boundaries. And it's not cute. It's not romantic. It's not sweet. It feels -- not good. Even if your intention was platonic - it still feels not good. It's a boundary for a reason. In most cases, someone receiving this message is simply going to roll their eyes, call me crazy and move on with their life. I hope you do a bit more than that. I hope you take the time to realize how you made another person feel. It goes without saying by the time you get this message that I've removed you from my friends list/messenger and do not wish to hear from you again. Even if you're sorry - which you very well might be -- I just don't feel comfortable continuing this friendship. I don't trust that it wouldn't happen again.
I shouldn't be shaking over it -- but I still do. It's so hard for me to disappoint people. But people aren't entitled to my friendship. And when they push repeatedly against your boundaries - it's time to cut them off.
It lead to a fight between me and my boyfriend. Well .. to be clear the fight was about if he even is my boyfriend or not. He was upset that I was seeking clarity about it after this guy from my past has been sniffing around. It really has nothing to do with the guy from my past - it has to do with me -- being tired of waiting - being tired of it being entirely on his timeline and his decision. I'm sick of limbo. I'm sick of waiting for a commitment. I'm sick of being an option when he's my priority. It's normal for me to want to know where we stand - and normal if he isn't sure where he does. The only two options are to wait more - or leave. And it's just so exhausting to constantly hit my head against the wall.
The thing of it is -- he's not in any hurry. He doesn't need to be. He knows how I feel. He knows that even if I do leave - that all he has to do is knock on my door and I'd come running. He's got no incentive to change. No incentive to hurry. No incentive to care at all about how I feel. And to be honest - it's bullshit. No good will ever come of this situation so long as that's his attitude. Just like I don't like that guy from my past feeling entitled to me - I'm not really digging this attitude of my boyfriend's.
I did apologize for being emotional or putting pressure on him. I don't like acting like a brat. But honestly something has to change soon. If not him and his shitty attitude / and his bullshit make me wait in limbo for forever nonsense. Or I will have to. At some point - even if I feel like he's the love of my life -- I will need to regain control of my life, and that will mean leaving him - whether he's made his decision or not. I'm deserving of justice. I'm deserving of love.
I'm deserving of someone looking at me - like I look at him. I'm deserving of someone who feels damn lucky that I'm theirs. I'm deserving of someone who can't believe their luck. I'm deserving of someone who understands that a relationship doesn't mean shackles and servitude. That it instead means freedom. I am worthy of that. That is my sword of truth. The truth is that in the end - I'd rather stand alone - than wait around forever for someone who doesn't know my worth. Who doesn't appreciate me. Who doesn't love me. Who doesn't realize that a girl like me is rare and precious and worth fighting for.
I think deep down he knows some of that. It's his ego atm that's in the way. He's gotta lose it. Or he'll lose me. Maybe not today - but someday - and soon.
I'm just tired.
I'm getting so tired of getting less than I deserve. I know the guy I cut off isn't going to understand why. He's not going to think he did anything wrong. All he did in his mind was like someone and pursue them. But that person told him no - and he didn't accept that so he had to go.
And eventually - I will have to go for different reasons from my boyfriend. My boyfriend for all intents and purposes at the moment is telling me no. And I'm not accepting it. And if I can't accept it - and accept his terms - then I will have to leave.
I want to feel angry. I want to feel entitled. But I feel neither. I just feel sad, and lonely. And I just wish his arms were wrapped around me and I could fall asleep listening to his heartbeat.
And I don't know whose the victim here. We both feel like villains in each other's story.
2:07 AM - 05.11.2020
So this tarot reader that I follow said that she has her phone set to go off every two hours with an alert - and the messages are simple - you are kind, you are loved, you are happy, you are powerful, you are abundant, you are safe, you are winning, you are strong - etc. Her exact messages are slightly different from what mine would be - but they were a reminder every few hours of so of something positive - and something she wants to manifest in her life. For the last couple of days I've been listening to the alarms when they go off. Even though I know that they'll go off I always seem to forget that they will until they do. I can't say that my mind is always flooded with positive energy when I read them. A few times they woke me up from a nap, and other-times I've realized that the messages that are sent, don't personally resonate with me the way something else would. But so far I like the idea. Needs some tweaking but I think I'll stick with it for a bit.
===================================
I talked a bit more with him today than I have for a few days. The subject of his health came up.
Me: This has gone on for weeks. Has there been any further discussion with your family about visiting a health care provider so you're not in this pain and discomfort every day
Him: I am waiting for the all clear
Me: Alright. Just hate the idea of you being sick for the next month or so (Frowns)
Him: Yeah Me too
Me: does your provider have any sort of virtual visit system? Where you can explain your symptoms and get a possible diagnosis / treatment plan remotely?
Him: Not My family Dr
Me: Alright. Sorry to ask so many questions. I know you're capable of handling your own business. I just really don't like the idea that you're suffering unnecessarily. {Redacted as description of his personal medical issues} well left untreated for too long / with those kind of accelerants it can cause longer term issues. I just worry. I know I shouldn't. I do trust you to handle it. Maybe concern is just a better word. I'm concerned for you. I want you always to be okay. I want to be here for you. You don't really let met be there for you. Doesn't mean I don't wish it were otherwise.
Him: Yes I know
Me: It sorta sucks honestly. I feel like you push me out. It feels like you're afraid to be vulnerable or to trust me with whom you really are. That you're afraid I'll run / or you'll lose me if you're real or honest.I pushed really hard for a while. I thought if I tried really hard to make you comfortable that you'd feel safe to trust me. But no matter how hard I tried eventually I realized it was never going to work No amount of effort on my part will ever be enough. It has to come from you. When you're ready. If you're ever ready. So I've let go. Letting go isn't the same as giving up. I still hope. It just sucks for me to know you're going through things alone that you don't have to. I could help. I want to. But I can't ...
And then I changed the subject. And he really didn't say much after that. I'm kind of hoping that whatever I said will sink in with him and he'll eventually start to come around. Tonight he asked how I was doing after I'd been quiet for a number of hours. It's rare for him to ask me that. So .. I do appreciate it when he does.
It takes everything within me not to fill his text box with every little thing that's in my head.
But sometimes some separation is necessary. I'd like for it to be otherwise. I'd rather we were happy and in each other's arms - and spending time together again - and building towards a future together. But sometimes even if we want to be together we still have issues we need to work through on our own. Before it's possible to be in union together. In his and I's situation - I've needed to learn to stop trying to control everything - I've needed to learn healthy balance/limits and accept that I can't participate in a relationship enough for two people. It's not fair to have a relationship in which only one person is sharing their feelings and what's going on in their life with the other. I've had to learn to let go - no matter how scary - and just have faith that what's mean to happen with us - will.
One sided / lopsided relationships are very draining. Not just for me, but for him too. It's draining for me because I feel like I'm giving everything and getting nothing back. And draining for him because he's not able / capable of giving more right now - and constantly pushing for and putting pressure on him to give him those things only succeeds in making him feel worse about himself. When some of our problems lie in his underlying lack of confidence in the first place. Of feeling unlovable. Of not feeling worthy of accepting love. Of not feeling capable of giving love back.And me feeling constantly rejected or hurt - sucks for me - but I'm pretty sure no man wants the woman he love to constantly feel rejected or hurt. And I know he doesn't like seeing how it breaks down my confidence.
It makes sense he wants to push me away. It makes sense for him to think I could do better than him. It makes sense for me to think that too. But I can't think of any healthy dynamic in any relationship in which both partners feel that way about a situation.
No -- I need to do some soul searching within myself and try and understand why I constantly am attracted to and get involved with these kind of relationships in which I'm not getting what I want back. Why do I work so hard and cling so tight to what ultimately never fulfills me?
I also need to find a way to let go of the blame and the anger and the frustration. Because if he does come around and starts to give more - and we have a 2nd chance for love. I can't carry my resentment - and my feelings of anger with me. I can't go into that situation feeling like he owes me all these things because I've been patient and he's not treated me right. I can't go into a healthy new beginning if I still feel like the slate isn't clean.
It just sucks really. Cause it's a lot of emotional work to get through all that. It would be so much easier to just detach fully decide this relationship was a mistake and try and heal / move on with my life. But I really feel like if I did that - I'd only repeat some version of this cycle - with someone else - that I don't even care nearly as much for. No - this cycle has to end here. And I need to take the time needed to recover. I need to work on my relationship with myself.
It comes back around to those messages I have my phone alerting me to every 2 hours. I need to change and heal and forgive. Not for him. Not because he's done anything that's worthy of being forgiven. He's not done anything to make up to me what he's done wrong. But then again at this point, I've not done anything to make up for the wrong I've done to myself either. And I have hurt him a lot too along the way. It's not really a villain vs victim scenario. At the end of the day I need to forgive him and let things go because I don't really feel like lugging this baggage around with me everywhere for the rest of my life.
I want to be happy and I deserve to be happy - and that happiness has to start from within.
My friends might never accept me and him together. It might be a rift that will never heal. I might lose people from my life because of it - and am just being honest here when I admit how much that sucks. But I'm not going to be bullied into making choices that other people think I should make. My choice of life partner - gets to be my own. And whether he and I work out in the long run or not - my choices and decisions need to be respected. I had to learn that with my mom and her messed up boyfriend for all those years.
Her boyfriend was a shit show of a human being. But it was her choice. We could weigh in with our opinions but at a certain point all of us ganging up on her about it - only succeeded in alienating her from us - and making her stay with the loser longer than she would of otherwise. We made her feel like we didn't trust her and her ability to make decisions and she just became that much more determined to make it work. That much more hell bent on proving if only to herself she was right about him. And the thing is - her ex does love her. Her ex does genuinely care about my mom. He's just so fucking damaged he isn't able to not be selfish and he isn't able to do the things he needs to do, to be a good partner for her. He's mentally ill and he's got serious problems and he doesn't know how to fix it - even when being told what to do directly to fix it - he's not capable of it. I do pray he finds the ability to heal and become a better person - for himself. Not because I want him and my mom back together - ever.
But yeah. It's funny how it feels being on the other end of this. Being able to understand how my mom felt. And how the argument "you don't know him like I do .." has more meaning when it's you going through it. The most painful thing my friend said to me about my boyfriend is that he doesn't care about me. That he only likes me cause he likes having someone to control. If I'm honest with myself that is some of HER baggage from her ex who liked to control her - and then ultimately cheated on her after she stayed with him for 3 years. My person is not that person. And my person does care about me. I know I've had my moments of doubt related to my boyfriend - but almost all of those doubts come from my mind and not my heart. My mind which just replays an endless track of failed relationships. Your mind can only tell you what you already know - that in the past you've loved people who didn't love you.
Your heart however can tell you a truth your brain doesn't understand - which is that this time is different. And this person is different. This person is not perfect (by any means) but this person does love me. He's only said it once. And he's not been able to say it again. But his actions have proved it many times over. I know what's in there. I just wish sometimes he had more faith in it.
But yeah. This got super long and ranty and I sound like I'm justifying things. But about this - I wont back down. My friend was wrong for having said that to me. She was calling it how she sees it so to speak - but it felt mean and controlling when she said it. It felt like she played upon my deepest insecurities, because she was trying to force me to leave him. And yeah. I'm still not really over it. I'll get over it eventually. But yeah. In the meantime - it just hurts.
And the title for this entry is weird. But only if you don't know that I've been watching entirely too much Disney + lately.
6:07 AM - 05.09.2020
I woke up this morning feeling bad for what I wrote yesterday. I get so tired sometimes. I know what I want - and I know what I need - and I know this isn't it. But I also know that it's not as simple as just demanding my fair share or asking for it. The person that I love right now is going through proverbial hell. Their health isn't good. Their living situation isn't good and is unstable. It's very hard to be in any kind of giving state of mind when you're just struggling to survive - and not doing a very good job of it. Maybe I should leave this person behind and go find someone who can take care of me and give me what I want. But I don't know if that's really what I want to do. I feel like in time I'll know what to do - but for right now - maybe I don't need to not make a decision - maybe I just need to release my concerns about it for now and refocus on other things. All things will unfold how they're meant to at the right time.
11:54 AM - 05.07.2020
I heard from him a bit more today. But it was in response from things I've said, vs initiation on his own. He said he's been quiet because he's been ill and all he wants to do is sleep. I feel bad that he's been sick. But as I'm currently sick myself and still making efforts to contact him - I kind of don't really know what to think regarding him. I kinda feel like it's nonsense really. It just feels like an excuse. He's always got excuses. I'm starting to get to that point that I'm over excuses. I'm over patience. I'm over doing all this work and making all this effort and not getting that back. I love him - and I want us to work - but truthfully the longer this drags on with him doing the bare minimum and keeping me on the back burner, the closer I get to just being over him and the whole situation. He only cares enough to keep me stuck. Not enough to take a risk. Not enough to actually open his heart and tell me how he feels. Not enough to do the things I need. Not want, NEED. When it gets to the point that you know the other person is actually hurting from your holding back - and you choose to keep holding back. Well that's a choice that will have consequences. I know he's shy / and a slow mover.
Capricorns, much like Tauruses are sllllllow. But not making a choice - not taking a risk - that is a decision. I've lost out on a lot of things in my life because I was too afraid to make a decision. I've been hanging on in this limbo place for a long time. I've tried to be understanding. I've twisted myself into emotional pretzels trying to be understanding. But at a certain point - everyone gets tired. He's afraid to get his heart broken. He's afraid to trust other people. He's afraid that he'll lose them. And he has gotten his heart broken and he has had his trust broken - and it's shitty that other people have done bad things -- but at a certain point he's got to evolve enough to realize that holding back like he does -- being super controlling - being overly jealous -- all those behaviors only succeed in accomplishing the very thing he wants to avoid. People can't and shouldn't wait forever for someone to decide what they want. It's not fair to have a relationship with someone whose halfway out the door. I can make excuses for him all day long ... in the end, are they really doing him or me any favors?
I've always felt if I could hang in there long enough - eventually he'll start opening up. Eventually he'll take the risk. I'll have passed enough tests to be deemed worthy. But sometimes I don't want to pass this long test. Sometimes I tire of constantly having to prove myself when he's done nothing to prove himself worthy of my devotion. Again and again I've sacrificed things to show how invested in this I am. But it's never enough. I dunno. And I'm just really frustrated.
I'm actually a bit upset because my doctor says I have to be off work for the rest of this week. I don't feel good and I don't want to work. But I don't like the idea of having to stay off work. I'd rather work than stay in bed for 2 more days. (It's not covid, just a cold/sinus infection). I just worry about losing my job. Times are so uncertain. This isn't a time I wanted to be sick.
My mom came into my room today sobbing. She let me know that my Uncle Neil (her brother) has been given bad medical news. He'd been sick with pneumonia and wasn't getting better so was hospitalized. While hospitalized to monitor the situation they were informed that he has Leukemia. About 10 years back he had cancer, and through that process of treating that illness he had his spleen removed. Which has ruled out most viable treatment options for his cancer he's got now. The doctor has said that with treatment his life expectancy is 1-2 years. That it's an aggressive cancer and there isn't much they can do to slow the spread, that it is unlikely for it to be cured.
I want to feel emotional about this news. It's devastating news for my family, certainly. But instead I just feel kind of numb. My uncle really hasn't been much a part of my life. My only real memories of him are him yelling at me as a child for being too loud, or running in the my grandma's house at holidays - ie: acting like a typical child, and he was being a dick. Karma repaid him for the way he treated my sister and I as kids many times over as both of his kids were hyperactive with attention deficit disorders and were both much louder and less behaved than either my sister or I ever were.
But yeah. I mean I mostly remember him as kind of a dick who yelled at me and my sister as kids and always forcing us to watch Football on the holidays when no one but him really liked Football. So it's hard to feel horribly brokenhearted about the situation. I mostly feel bad for my mom. He's her big brother. And she's devastated at the idea of losing him. I can only imagine how my grandparents will feel. They're both in their 80's - and I'm sure they did not expect their child to pass before they do. And I feel bad for his children who are in their early 20's. It's sad they will lose their dad. At least the apple of his eye, my cousin Katrina got married this past year - so got to have the memory of her dad walking her down the isle.
But I feel like a bad person. Cold even. For not being able to cry or feel much of anything, other than bad for other people's loss. Especially because I still cry about missing my Cat who passed away in September or my online friend of 8 years who was a big part of my life. I don't cry every day but the grief comes in waves. But I've shed so many tears for them both. It feels weird to shed tears about this.
I did tell my boyfriend about what was going on. But he didn't say much, just that he understood how I felt. I thought about telling my other friends - but the truth is -- I'd rather not tell people that I'm a heartless bastard, that doesn't care my uncle is dying. But I'm at this place where I just want to be honest about how I feel.
I kind of feel numb to everything. After having been so emotional - not really sure why. I think maybe it's just the spirits way of protecting my energy so I can focus on healing my physical body. Or maybe it's just natural to energetically draw your energy back when you don't feel like it's being returned. To focus on what I do have control over - myself - vs what I don't have control over - him. I do love him. Our separation does bother me. I wish we could be closer again. I wish he'd make effort again. I wish he cared about this as much as I do. And maybe he does. Maybe he's just sick - and not able to focus on it. Maybe we need time apart so we can grow and heal and we'll be together again in the future. And maybe he wasn't meant to be here forever. Maybe he was meant to come into my life to spear-head the emotional transformations and journey I've been on. I really just don't know.
I've been thinking about what I want in my life again. I've been thinking about getting a car. I'm reluctant to take out a car loan given that I don't know what's going on with my job situation - or what will be going on financially in the next six months with covid and the state of the world - but I feel like if I have a car - I increase my independence from my mom and it will allow me to get another job somewhere else even if this job doesn't work out. It just feels like it's time. Plus if my ultimate goal is to get a mortgage - I feel like having a car loan and paying it off steadily will in the long term only improve my credit. Much like having a credit card and paying it off steadily has helped increase it.
I'm still afraid to drive. But I feel myself getting to that point where - I don't want to let my fear control my life any more. And it's one of those things where I feel like once I start doing it -- it will be scary at first - but once I start doing it -- my fear will disappear and I'll start to wonder why I waited so long. (At least I hope that's what happens.)
If I had to pinpoint the one thing that's kept me feeling reliant most on my mom - it's been this. This not being able to get myself around - not being able to make changes in my job situation because I needed to rely on my mom to get around. It's kept me from being able to join a gym. Or go to the movies when I want to. It's just kept me from being able to do anything I've wanted to do on my own. It's made it hard for me to have friendships - because I can't just go meet up with friends when I want to. Just a lot of things I feel like are kinda held back from my life from not being able to drive.
Still not quite there. But starting to think hard about it.
1:52 AM - 05.07.2020
Sometimes I feel like I'm on a pendulum that keeps swinging back and forth - torn between wanting to stay and wanting to go. Torn between wanting to be patient, and wanting to fight for what I want / need / feel I deserve.
The other night I got too intense and direct about what I wanted. And he got.. quiet.
This morning I sent him this message:
I kind of feel ashamed for the things I said last night. The feelings behind what I said were real - but they're coming from a non truthful place, my mind ... instead of my heart. My mind is full of fear, self recriminations, over-thinking, and broken records. It's not a place of truth.
Analysis has it's place - it can help us learn from our mistakes and figure out how best to bring things into balance - but too much of it, keeps you feeling stuck and not moving forward. Too much thinking is really just the minds way of trying to exert control over a situation in which it has no power and no control. I can't speed things along. I can't force something to happen just because I want it to. I can't make this be the right time to deal with things. No matter how much I wish I could. I do feel like things are for the most part getting better. But I've still got work to do on myself - before I can tackle the work needed for us to come together again. My heart says you're my person and we're meant to come together eventually. It's just probably not going to happen tomorrow.
Anyway I'm sorry for backsliding a bit last night.
===========
I waited all day for him to reply - but he didn't. In the evening I sent him a silly cat meme. Hours ... and crickets.
Finally around Midnight I told him I was feeling a little better and had been watching The Mandalorian. About an hour later he responded he guessed he was doing okay and he was glad I was enjoying my show.
It felt like .. defeat because he wasn't really energetically connecting or responding to anything I'd really said. It felt like hope, because he at least responded. He could of kept on with the silence.
Honestly - I'm just so tired of feeling sad and lonely. So tired of feeling like I'm waiting for him to open up - express his feelings - and just fucking talk to me. Just say how the hell he is feeling. I feel like so much of the pain and anger and frustration and roughness in our relationship has been frankly caused by him not opening his fucking mouth and just fucking talking and saying how he feels. I'd rather him tell me he hated me if that were the truth than to sit there and just not say anything.
The really shitty thing is -- I know it's bad timing right now. It just is. There are just things going on in his life which are more of a priority than me. And it sucks frankly. One of the last times he said anything that remotely came close to opening up was me basically begging him to just tell me what he wanted - was our relationship worth it - I told him I'd be able to be more patient if I knew in the end I'm the person he wanted to be with.
And he just kinda exploded at me that he didn't think it would make it better -- because I want everything I want - right now. And he's not wrong. I do. I do want things right now. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting things right now. I don't think it's wrong to feel tired of fucking waiting. I don't know how to energetically stay in this place of "patience" which honestly just feels like limbo. A place I'm not getting anything that I want - without any promises I will ever get what I want. And yet you keep holding on because if you leave -- then you gave up on what you want. You gave up on the person and relationship you want to be in.
And it's just fucking exhausting.
I'm worthy of love.
I deserve love.
I deserve that effort and energy I'm giving out to be given back to me.
And I just don't feel like that's what's happening here. And it sucks. Because deep down I know he cares. He wouldn't still be here if he didn't. But knowing he cares about me if he's not willing to do anything about it means a whole hell of a lot of nothing. I genuinely don't want another relationship. I don't want another person. The idea of finding someone better, someone who treats me better, or gives me the love that I deserve -- doesn't appeal to me. It should. I'm in a situation which thus far isn't giving me what I want. I should want to get what I want.
And I do ... with him.
And I don't know any more if it's possible.
Energetically I know I'm still hurting and healing and dealing with things I don't know how to talk about. On some levels I know I'm not ready for the things I want with him either. I know there are actions I need to take to bring those things forth in my life.
The one thing I will say in defense of my relationship to stand against all the rest / all the people who have tried to tell me what to do is -- being with him has forced me, ready or not - to be really honest with myself. It's forced me to start to get my shit together. He brought me back to life. He's made me realize the things in my life I need to heal. He's made me want to heal. He's made me want to get my shit together again. He's made me want to bring balance to dysfunctional friendships and relationships. He's made me want to be a better person.
A thing that a lot of people in my life reject. A lot of people in my life have told me I was already a good person and he's made me feel like shit about myself. That he's broken me down, and cut me off from the people who love me and care about me. They tell me he's only interested in controlling me. The thing they miss was that the people he's cut me off from - often made me feel unheard and uncared about. I already felt like shit about myself - I just covered it over with a pretty smile. And yes at times I've felt broken down and unable to stand - because the strength of my emotions has overwhelmed me - and the utter terror at losing him from my life has made me feel like a part of me could be ripped away at any time.
It's been volatile. It's been exhausting. It's been passionate. It's been the deepest love I've ever felt for anyone in my whole life.
It's turned me inside out.
It's made me feel like a crazy person.
It's made me feel like a strong person. A capable person. A fighter.
It's made me feel
And how do you let go of that? I don't know. I really don't.
2:46 AM - 05.06.2020
I think if I had to do things over with him and I -- I'd not of tried to be in so much control early on. He led with such a sexual energy -- that I worried that I'd just be a conquest to him - so I tried to hold back sexually from him until he could open up emotionally -- he'd been so used to thinking that women only wanted him for sex -- that I'd been determined to show him I was different -- which had the negative consequence of us fighting for control of things right from the beginning and in effort to maintain in control -- I wound up being rather dishonest about my needs or wants. When I did finally relent and we did have sex -- I also made the mistake of with-holding praise. It wasn't done because he wasn't good at what he was doing - but because I'd never before experienced what i experienced with him and I wanted to process things -- I wanted comfort and reassuring words. I wanted to have that emotional comfort and reassurance he didn't offer. And meanwhile he just felt rejected. And since I'd lied about things to avoid being honest about my real wants -- it made it that much harder for him to trust me.
We've been locked in this stalemate for weeks really -- of him not trusting me / not wanting to open up - and me wanting him to open up and trust me again. I don't even know if you can call what we're doing a relationship any more. We aren't sexual. We don't do things. We do talk every day - but talking is often a challenge. It's like walking across a field not knowing where the landmines are. And I just think back to other relationships I've had in the past where sex was a bridge back - sex was a means to connect when connection emotionally was too difficult and since we've never really developed that sort of short hand with each other -- it's an avenue which is blocked.
It's hard to be patient and to just wait. It's hard to feel like every glimmer of hope that we're turning a corner - is always 3 steps forward two steps back.
There are other guys around me who are interested. Guys who'd take me on dates. (well would want to once the quarantine is over) Guys who might like to get to know me physically. Guys I could feel things for. There are chances for happiness with other people - but I ignore them because I've committed to being with my person -- even without knowing how long I'm going to be waiting or how much patience is going to be required. I'm not always steadfast in my loyalty. I wish I could say that I were. There are times where I don't think I should cut this shallow excuse for a relationship off at the knees and turn him loose an focus on myself and my own wants and my own journey. Times when I feel like if I have to wait even a moment more my heart can't take it any more and I need to just let it break fully. Because all this limbo feeling of being afraid to hope - but afraid to give up is damn hard on it.
But the thing that stops me from leaving is knowing that if I left -- not talking to him at all would feel worse than talking to him only a little. It's also not wanting to fulfill that narrative he has running in his head that he's not worth it and no one is ever willing to sacrifice for him.
It's just a lot of mental gymnastics to keep it all going. And so most of the time lately - I try not to think too much about it. That only works some of the time. I know that the reality is -- I can't wait forever for him to stop being mentally, emotionally and physically checked out of the relationship. We all have our limits. With anyone else that limit would of been met a long time ago.
But I keep feeling like he's going to come back. That he's been softening some lately. That he'll start telling me how he feels and things will get better with us when I least expect it. Maybe it's wishful thinking. But I don't really know what else to do. Because in the beginning -- I tried to control everything - and it created this mess. So lately I've been trying to get out of the mindset of control -- and trying to trust that all things happen in divine timing. Still.. I wish sometimes I could go back and have a do-over.
8:19 AM - 05.04.2020
I've been feeling a bit more at peace lately. I've been starting to let go of what I can't control, and try not to worry about it. It's a bit easier said than done. There's always a desire to steer the ship so to speak. There will always be a desire inside of me, to have the important people in my life to be in harmony. There will always be a desire to control things - but the more one tries to control a circumstance and the more married we are to a specific outcome, the more anxiety and turmoil we feel. Trying to control the outcome instead of releasing or surrendering things always feels more out of control than in it.
There will always be a desire within me, to improve my boyfriend, and his behaviors. The fact that I've begun to notice a pattern in his behavior and I've begun to understand what's behind the ways in which he acts out, doesn't necessarily make it any easier to navigate things when he's acting out. It does make it a bit easier to navigate around his trigger points - but only somewhat.
The thing of it is, he's not the only one with trigger points. I have trigger points - my friends have trigger points. Everyone has things which trigger emotional responses, and emotional responses are not always that conducive towards seeing things logically or knowing how to respond. Responding from an emotional place almost always makes things worse. Sometimes we need to practice the pause. Sometimes we need a moment to be able to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and find greater understanding.
Truthfully the more removed I've been from things and others the more I have been able to see from a broader perspective. At the moment I feel like peace and feel like I'm just letting go of what I can't control. I feel good. My anxiety has quieted. I've actually been able to get some sleep.
There are a few other issues going on that I don't have a lot of control over and I want to respond to the negative behavior I'm seeing from others but -- I just don't want to. If I'm meant to respond to it -- I will eventually when I can do so from a detached positive prospective and not from the emotional desire to respond.
12:08 PM - 04.29.2020
Today has been a strange day -- but it's not been a bad one. It's been one that I've needed. Any time my brain has drifted too far into the territory of things I can't control I've lovingly and with focus brought my attention and energy back to me, how I'm feeling, how I can best serve myself and my energy in this moment. It's been difficult. The kind of difficult most people feel when you tell them to stop using their electronic devices. You reach for things out of habit. You reach for familiar stimulus out of habit too. Even sometimes negative or bad stimulus. Being told to take care of yourself instead of worrying about another person is .. well near impossible when you're the kind of person who gets pleasure out of caring for others. But the truth is I've not been taking good care of me lately and I need to. I'm important. I've been hurting and upset because I've not been getting back the love and attention that I've wanted from my romantic partner. But it's almost as if I forgot that I could take care of me. That I could give myself love too.
I feel this call in my spirit to heal my wounds. To bring my energy lovingly and with focus and intention back towards me. It feels good to take an extra long shower. It feels good to rest when I'm exhausted. It feels good to share how I'm feeling with my mom. It feels good to contemplate a healthy and happy future for myself. It feels good to make plans on how to get things better.
But thinking about getting better is only the beginning - it doesn't really get better unless you do the work.
9:35 PM - 04.23.2020
I feel like the world has been repeating the message that patience is needed over and over lately. And I’ve always been patient in the sense that I hang in there with things long past the point most would quit. But I’ve not often been one who enjoys the wait. Lately hanging on to things has felt like a burden though. And the harder I’ve tried to hang on - the more it’s hurt.
So there is another message that accompanies patience, and that is faith. That is faith that if something isn’t happening now, it doesn’t mean it never will. That sometimes healing is needed. Sometimes space is needed. Sometimes things need to be released and let go of. Some times we are being called to realize that what belongs to us will always find us. That sometimes we need to go through other things before we’re ready for what we want.
I’ve been feeling this call to deal with some of my emotional issues lately. To turn inward to deal with the things which are blockages or painful trauma that make it difficult for me to give in - to trust my intuition - to get in touch with it frankly at all as I’ve been living off a self protective isolationist tape of fear for so long. I’m not able to love in a free and open way.
I can give love. But I am unable to accept it back without fighting the process. Without wanting to cling to it so tightly that it crushes it. Because fear that the other person wont love me - fear the other person will leave me - fear that I could lose myself in another person. It creates this sort of blockage from past trauma that I’ve never released.
It makes it hard to be nurturing and loving like I want to be. It makes it hard for me to submit to my dominant. It makes me hard to create healthy boundaries between my friends and myself.
It’s difficult when someone shines a mirror up to your face and makes you realize that you apologize too much, that you thank people for being decent human beings too much, and that you surrender your power too easily to others, instead of being able to stand strong in your own truth.
Yeah... there’s a lot of healing that needs to be done here. Patience is needed indeed.
1:01 PM - 04.23.2020
I feel like things have been so out of balance lately. I feel like I am being called to correct course. Time to let go. Time to recenter. Time to have faith that I am being guided in the right direction.
11:41 AM - 04.23.2020
I miss him. I wish he were here. I know now is a time for patience -- but it's so very hard.
12:48 AM - 04.21.2020
I've been in my feelings a lot lately. Things with my boyfriend are weird. We're technically still together -- but we might as well not be. He doesn't talk to me much at all. We haven't spent any time together. And even when I try to initiate I get told no. There's been drama and fighting of course. But I don't really feel like that's why. I feel like at this point -- it's up to him to step up. I've done too much. I've given too much. And he still refuses to open up. He still refuses to trust me. And it's gotten to the point that it feels painful that he wont. He cares about me -- but his doubts and fears are preventing any sort of forward movement in that direction though. I feel like some of our fights are still lingering with him -- but it's far deeper than me. It's his past and his history he's got to deal with. He's gotta deal with his baggage or we're just not going to last / work. Because I need more than he's giving. I deserve more than he's giving. I deserve to be loved and cared about -- and it's not fair to me he's holding back because I've not done anything to make him shut down / refuse to share.
I've been spending my time trying to get stronger inside so that if he leaves I'll be okay -- and hoping the day comes that he finally decides to crack open and allow his love out. Cause if he can open up and let what's inside there out -- if he can give what I know is in there -- I feel like he could be the man that I'll be with the rest of my life. He touches all these places in me -- to where he feels like he could be my soulmate. And I *hate* that word. The fact it even feels like that kind of connection which is physical, emotional, and spiritual is sort of crazy. It's good enough that I don't want to leave and just end up with some guy that's fun to hang around but doesn't really touch me in the important places. I could settle for an easier connection. I could give up on this. I feel like eventually I probably will give up if things don't change. But for now I'm willing to wait a while longer and see what happens.
And by willing I mean -- I can't leave. Not that I want to be patient. I'm pretty damn unhappy with the situation. But any time I think about leaving -- I feel like I can't. Because something inside of me keeps telling me to have faith and be patient. So I'm trying. I really hope I'm not just wasting time.
Because I want to love and receive love. I'm ready.
I just wish he were.
In other news -- my mom has finally relented and said that once this quarantine is over -- I can get another cat. She actually said I could get two. So they have each other to play with when I'm at work -- and they wont have such bad Separation Anxiety like Madge had.
Ironically that's what I'm having from being separated from my boyfriend atm.
8:27 PM - 04.18.2020
So - lately I haven't been able to sleep for more than 2 maybe 3 hours before I'm awake again. My brain never relaxes fully, and my body wont let me rest. This perma feeling of exhaustion kinda lingers and is coloring all the emotional issues in my life. My mom and I have been - I hesitate to call it fighting, because that's not quite the right word - but I have been getting angry with her, and I think she's kinda frustrated with me. Some of it has to do with how we're handling this stuck at home thing. I've been mostly staying in my room - and since I have online friends / gaming friends - I've been socializing as much as possible with them. My mom on the other hand - has been mostly finding projects to keep herself busy or watching tv. Our periods of fighting have come from the fact my mom has been allowing her ex into our lives in several ways - and when he fucks us over in his way - like he always does - as he's utterly incapable of NOT doing so - she gets upset about it - and she wants to come to me and bitch about it. And this last time - I heard her on the phone with him agreeing to do the things that I knew she shouldn't do with him - and I came out of my room and I told her NO - DO NOT DO THIS. And she got pissy with me and angrily shoo'd me away. And yet .. he fucked us over - and she wants to complain to me and wants sympathy from me - and I have no sympathy. She knew better.
Some of my resentment has come from the fact that she has told me that with unemployment being how it is, that if we can't pay the mortgage we'll have to tap into my savings. She's told me to stop ordering food from Grub Hub/Door Dash etc and spending money even though - I normally order from these services - and am not ordering excessively beyond what I normally do (in fact I'm probably ordering less) - so that I don't dip into my savings too much.
And it kinda pisses me off she plans to rely on my savings to get us through this financial crisis and yet she can waste her money helping her idiot ex boyfriend who is nothing but a liar, user, and moocher.
On her side of things, I know she's upset that I've been keeping weird hours - and not been helping around the house any. To be fair I'm not really in the house making much of a mess with things, but I could be helping more with the dishes etc. Mostly I think it's just us being stuck in the same place with this quarantine thing that's causing issues.
6:29 AM - 04.06.2020
When we have a good day I want to write everything down and explain how I feel .. as if I'm afraid I might forget about it.
Tonight - he came back for me. We'd been in the middle of a conversation that was starting to turn into a fight via text messages, and instead of leaving me hanging there ... he came back to where I was until we'd talked through things. I don't know how to explain why that meant so much to me. It just did. I felt cared about and I felt loved in a place that's so often left me feeling alone and broken with other people. He doesn't always say the words or do the things that I expect.. but he always surprises me in little ways that show me how much he cares about me.
And I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him and hold him and never let him go. I just wanted to feel safe and protected with him in that moment forever.
I know it probably sounds crazy but lately it feels like our fights are slowly turning into conversations. Instead of being angry and raising our voices and not knowing how to speak to each other.. instead we're learning to talk. It's taking time. It's taking patience. It's taking my sanity some days... but bit by bit.. I feel us drawing closer. Inch by inch I feel like he's becoming something strong and enduring in my life. We have hurdles and obstacles and things could still go either way.
But he came back for me.
No one's ever come back for me before.
I wish he knew how much of my heart is his. So he'd never question how much I care.
1:47 AM - 04.02.2020
My sister asked me today how I knew I was falling in love… and I didn’t really have a good answer at the time. I just smiled and said, I knew.
But as I lay on the couch in the living-room this evening watching TV, I couldn’t help but think about her question, and to be honest - I still don’t have a great answer. I just know that when I’m with him, he makes all the static in my brain stop. What is confusing, and scary … becomes clear, and calm. I feel steady, when I never feel steady. He brings me peace. He brings me war too sometimes… but the peace is usually stronger.
I hear him in every song that plays on the radio. When I feel these good feelings in my chest - I just want to take them out of my chest and press them into his, and when I can’t do that, instead I want to hug or kiss him.
When I’m struggling with something small, a small act of daily living, and feeling overwhelmed by it all – I find courage in thinking that he’d want me to take a shower, or eat something. That he’d want me to go to bed, and sleep. That he’d want me to stop stressing about whatever has my anxiety flared and get some rest. I’m not saying it makes it easier to do those things, but that lonely feeling that I have, that I don’t know if I can do this thing feeling, fades and I feel stronger because of him.
Even in a crowded room, filled with people that I love - even when I’m having a good time - I feel like, I’d be just a little happier if he were there with me, by my side. I spent most of the day with my sisters today and we laughed and we had a good time, but even when I was with them - I missed him.
Is this love? I don’t know.
But it feels like something kind of magical.
1:42 AM - 03.25.2020
I feel like in general I want to take back what I said about wanting things to end. I don't. I think I struggle sometimes because I'm not use to caring this much about another person. It's been so long since I've even let someone get close to me .. or let anyone in, and the fact of the matter is - he's not where I'm at with things right now. I think he cares about me. I don't think he's in love with me though. Which kind of sucks because I'm in love with him. When you're the one who feels the most - it's your risk. Your heart which will break if what you want never manifests itself. You tell yourself - lets just be patient. I'll wait this out - but how long do you wait. At some point he's either going to open his heart to me and start trusting me, or he's not. And if he doesn't - it wont work out - and my heart will break. And if it does -- well if it does I think something really beautiful and special will happen. And it's hard to exist in that space not knowing whether to have hope, or protect your heart. In that vulnerable space in between you convince yourself at any moment that they will leave. That they will say to you, I like you but I don't like you that way ... and leave.
Today we were talking about.. well something small really, and I ended up telling him I loved him. It was the first time I've ever said it with intention. We weren't fighting. It didn't slip out accidentally. I said it purposefully. And... then he never said anything in response for hours, and I refused to press him on the issue. It felt like the biggest elephant in the room. It felt like a rejection. It felt .. painful. I felt like I wanted to give up. But then I didn't. Then I just let us carry on as if nothing had happened. As if i said nothing. And it still weighs on me. And I'm just pretending that I didn't put my heart on my sleeve and watch him .. not respond.
But the thing of it is, there wasn't anything I could say about it. If he doesn't feel it back he shouldn't say it. And unless I'm willing to have that if you don't feel the same about me that I feel about you conversation and end things... there is nothing to say. It just sucks and I'm tired. And my heart feels kinda achey , but still sorta of glued together. He spoke with affection when we did speak tonight. I do think I matter somewhat. It's just kinda like ugggggh.
I hope someday I look back on these days and laugh at how stupid it all is.
12:52 AM - 03.20.2020
Yesterday felt like a rough day. We got into a giant fight and I spent most of the day feeling this severe separation anxiety from him, that just ... hurt. I'm not use to feeling that kind of pain when I'm in a relationship. I could feel his anger. I could feel his desire not to talk to me. I could tell how much I had displeased him. And it just felt .. heavy. Near the end of the day, he began to relax his walls again a little bit - and we were able to laugh together watching a comedian we enjoy. We were able to play wow together again. Things felt a little better after that. The ache in my heart eased. Yesterday was not a goodbye. But this morning somewhere in the back of my head, I find myself wondering - if maybe I shouldn't of wanted it to be.
The experience of being with this person .. has felt a bit rough on my soul. It's demanded so much compromise and so much flexing on my part - and when it comes down to it - I don't feel like he's willing to do that for me. I feel like he tramples all over my heart and my natural loving nature. And he does it any time he's afraid. And I don't honestly know what the hell he's so afraid of. But I feel like he's afraid to open his heart because it will make him feel vulnerable and weak. And so sometimes it feels like he looks for reasons to pick fights. It almost feels like sometimes - he wants things to be this dramatic all the time, because there's this thrill he gets when he does everything he can to push me away - and i don't leave. It's like it makes him feel better about himself somehow.
Well ... it's really not necessary.
I like him a lot just as he is. And if he's just knock the shit out - we could just be happy. Instead he makes everything a damn challenge. And there will come a time when I just don't have it in me. I'm a really patient person, but even the most patient person in the world runs out of patience eventually.
1:51 PM - 03.18.2020
Well .. we didn't break up. I mean we did, for a few hours maybe. But the next morning I got up and got ready for work - and didn't send him my normal good morning messages, and by noon that day, he was seeking me out, and trying to talk to me... and by that evening it was really pretty clear that we were still together and neither one of us is ready to let this go. I still feel a bit vulnerable though given how close it came to ending. I'm trying to form the patience to wait things out. But being patient is not my strong suit, once I've made up my mind. so we'll see.
2:16 PM - 03.16.2020
Well.. it figures that I finally realize I'm in love with someone, and we end up breaking up. He was having a bit of a rough day today - feeling all day like the things people say about how they feel are bullshit, and afraid to get hurt. I tried to comfort him as best as I could while I was at work. He was really wanting me to come home. And when I came home I had this other thing that I had to do, because of a prior commitment. As soon as it was over though, I logged on to spend time with him. We had fun .. sort of. He and I really weren't talking much, just focusing on the game. I started to feel sleepy and wanted him to call me so that we could talk for a bit. My intention was just to make him feel better about things - reassure him that the past wasn't going to repeat itself - that he could trust me. I think I planned to tell him how I felt about him.
But from the word go he was kind of testy with me, and I wasn't really sure why. He finally says to me that he doesn't want to have to write stuff along the lines of, snuggles you while you sleep to me. (we live long distance from each other) and it's just a small thing that brings me comfort. Night times are usually hardest for me. It's when my anxiety spirals out of control. Just feeling like he's there with me, if not physically - then in spirit is comforting to me. And i just.. I got upset. It seems like since I've met him, I've had to make so many small adjustments to make things work, and in the grand scheme of things - that small adjustment doesn't seem like too much to ask.
Somewhere in the middle of explaining that I just wanted him to make a small compromise, that I have needs too - even if they are small - they're still needs - I ended up calling him a Dick. The minute I said it, I knew it was a mistake. From that point on, whatever message I was trying to convey got lost - before I knew it, he was hanging up the phone with me, and so naturally we took our fight to Discord and started typing messages back and forth and somewhere in the middle of it all - he broke up with me.
Of course ... I didn't accept that as an answer. And we went back and forth for a bit... and I'm ashamed to say I think I all but begged him to stay. And normally I'd never do anything like that, except it really didn't feel like he wanted to go. He was just mad at that moment and upset because I called him a dick - and because I'm asking him to do something that makes him slightly uncomfortable in the name of compromise. And because somewhere deep inside of him... I think he does care about me, and he's afraid of those feelings. He's afraid to get too close to anyone again after the last few relationships he's had which ended badly.
Trust me ... I more than understand that fear.
In the end - he wanted to stop talking and go to bed. And I said I'd go - but my mind is here kind of reeling. I know I need to be up for work in 5 hours. We left it in such a weird place I'm not really sure if we're broken up any more. The only thing I do know for sure is that I'm at least somewhat in denial it's really over because I'm not bawling my eyes out. I just have that anxiety ball in the pit of my stomach which feels on edge / worried we might of actually broken up but hopeful we didn't - that we made it through somehow.
And as I sit here and type all this out, I find myself wondering if I've lost my mind. If this were a friend of mine in this kind of are we are or aren't relationship - where they bicker all the time over small things - I'd tell her to consider it a blessing and move on - to someone deeper - and something easier.
But I'm not with him because I want easy. I'm with him because he makes me laugh. I'm with him because when we have sex, I see stars. I'm with him because i set loose / set free a part of myself I never really had explored before I met him. I'm with him because he's the real deal - and I feel like I could love him forever. I'm with him because he challenges everything I know about life - and yet on the other end of it, I feel like it makes me a better person. I'm with him because I love him. I'm with him because he makes me wonder why I'm ashamed of myself and why I let other people make me feel bad about myself / shrink myself to their standards. I'm with him for a lot of reasons.
I guess I just don't know if he wants to be here. I thought I knew how he felt about me - but maybe he doesn't feel that way. Maybe I've been misleading myself. Maybe I'm not the girl of his dreams. Maybe he wants something or someone more than me. Maybe I'm not the one for him. And that part of me that feels that way feels it like a knife to the heart. And yet the part of me which loves him so much it hurts - wants him to be happy - and if I'm not what he wants - wants him to find that with someone else. Some part of me .. the part of me which is always used to being dumped, and being left - feels like it's almost natural / normal that it should end up this way. Of course I'd be alone in the end.
It was always a bit too good to be true that I might have someone in my life who might really care about me. That I might have an equal and a partner. I thought I had found that in him... but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I'm always wrong.. about everything.
Luke Combs, Love you anyway:
If your kiss turned me to stone
I'd be a statue standing tall in ancient Rome
And if your touch shattered me like glass
I'd be in pieces trying to make the breaking last
If it took one look to turn my days to night
At least I'd have the stars that sparkle in your eyes
There's just some things that leave a man no choice
Like a compass needle needing its true North
Even if I knew the day we'd met you'd be the reason this heart breaks
Oh, I'd love you anyway
I know just trying to write a song
I run the risk that I could get your perfect wrong
Well, I guess what I'm trying to say
Is there ain't a word been made can shoulder so much weight
You could turn your back on me and walk away
Not a thing about the way I feel would change
Cause there's just some things that leave a man no choice
Like a compass needle needing its true North
Even if I knew the day we'd met you'd be the reason this heart breaks
Oh, I'd love you anyway
Just some things that leave a man no choice
Like a compass needle needing its true North
Even if I knew the day we'd met you'd be the reason this heart breaks
Oh, I'd love you anyway
3:24 AM - 03.14.2020
You ever have someone be mad at you, but refuse to fight with you because it's late, and you need sleep? That's next level of caring about you.
And that's kind of how things are with the new guy in my life. We do fight. But we fight because we don't understand each other ... until something breaks loose and then we do. He challenges so many things about me... but when my immediate stubbornness recedes and I take the time to hear what he was saying, he's usually right (annoying!) and usually it leaves me simply feeling closer to him.
In the middle of an argument the other day - he said that I was trying to change him to be more like me, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing - that I was more vocal and more expressive, more easily in touch with my emotions and I have never felt more seen than I did at that moment.
He isn't the kind to be overly sentimental or smushy in his word choice. He's blunt. Sometimes the bluntness of his words stings. But he never, even in his anger - wants me to be harmed. And that was clear, by the way in which he wanted me to go to bed, instead of argue.
I feel myself falling so helplessly in love with this man. This man who makes me question my entire world ... he teaches me and shows me so many new perspectives. More than that, he's unearthed, or found this vulnerable emotional part of me that feels like it's been dead for years. I feel like I'm walking around without skin when I'm near him. I would of thought that was a bad thing were it not for the fact that ... I like being able to feel again.
Some of our fights are just power struggles. Me learning to let go of some of my independence .. learning to let him take the lead. Learning to trust him. It's weird because I've always been afraid to love someone - afraid that I couldn't trust that other person .. and I don't feel that way with him. I trust him not to hurt me really, even though I know that making myself vulnerable to him would allow him to do so.
No ... the things that I struggle against are losing myself. Losing control. I've always had to hold myself in such intense control because I always had to be responsible for myself. I had to protect myself. I was often .. all that I had. And in him, I sense that I have finally found an equal. That I have finally found myself a partner. And it's scary to let go of control because .. the unknown is always scary.
I can remember dating Bacon (I think that's the nickname I gave him) and constantly feeling like ... I *should* be in love with him .. feeling like I should care more than I did. I felt reluctant in that relationship like my heart was never fully in it.
I don't feel that way with my new guy. I haven't known him that long, but I am already certain that I love him, and that I am falling in love with him. I feel things with him I've never felt with anyone else. I'm just struggling with what happens when one becomes two. I've been so use to being alone.
I really do love him. I haven't really been able to tell him that yet. Something kinda slipped out the other day - but I pushed it away and told him I didn't want to talk about it yet.
He's not ready to talk about his feelings yet - I only know he has them. I only know he has them because of how he treats me. I know that I matter to him. I know I'm important.
12:24 PM - 03.13.2020
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