Lately everyone I know seems to be getting engaged. And then there is me. So single lately it's begun to hurt a bit. I know that everything happens in it's own time at the right cycle for you - and now is just not my time... but knowing.. and FEELING that way are two different things. The feeling side of me is ridiculously lonely.
It's not that I don't have options. I've had a few people want to be with me... but I have this stupid thing where I don't want to be with someone to just be with someone - where i want to be with someone cause they're the right person. And the right person is no where in sight.
So it's just me and my single self .. yay?
I dunno. I've been in such a funk lately. I gotta find a way to start feeling a bit better about myself and start enjoying the perks of being solo instead of wishing it would end. Cause sooner or later I'll be dating someone again - and even if they're the love of my life - I know there will be moments when you need to compromise - and that I'll long for the days I could watch whatever i want with no one to complain about it.
How are you diaryland? How's life been treating you?
2:28 PM - 01.27.2020
I know I haven't written for a while and I'm sorry about that - but things have been a bit rough. My cat passed away the first week of September. In the end we made the difficult choice to take her to the vet to be put down. We had several frantic visits to the vet - various tests - small victories of getting her to eat a little of this or a little of that .. only for her to always return to not eating or drinking. In the end she could barely walk, and couldn't eat or drink and so it was time to put her down gently rather than let her continue to suffer. Even thinking about it now several months removed and tears spring to my eyes.
She was my best friend in a way humans never can be. She didn't care if I hadn't showered in 3 days .. rain or shine, failures and in success - she always loved me the same. She wrapped herself around my head while I slept when I was sick. She always ran to greet me when I came home - she loved to play, and despite not liking most humans (as she ran when strangers came over) she loved me faithfully for nearly 18 years. She was the most significant and loving relationship I've ever had in my life outside of family. And she is missed.
I had barely gotten my head around her death when I was hit with another death in my life, this one of the human variety. For 8 years in an online role playing game - I was friends with wonderful woman from Texas - in the game she played my mom - and over time she felt like a 2nd mom to me. She was there for me when my offline mom and I were fighting - she saw me through bad boyfriends, bad friendships and all sorts of changes in my life - and so when she died rather suddenly .. it was like the light went out in the universe. Suddenly it felt like the universe was stripping away from me the things in my life which have been pillars of my support system over the years.
For a while - I didn't really think I was going to be okay.
But slowly - I've been managing to recover from their loss. I have lost a lot recently - but I have also to my surprise found that I have more people to lean on than I thought. Slowly over the last few years I've been more open to life and have developed a lot of new friendships - both at work and online - so I have had people to lean on even when the world has felt dark and grey.
This year has been a rough one for me - so many changes and so many losses have come my way - but in learning to let go - I've been able to make more peace with the things I can't control - and in not holding on to grief but in letting it go - it's been able to be felt - and passed through me - rather than continuing to fester.
Although my beloved kitty is gone and a woman I considered a 2nd mom was taken from me suddenly - I still feel their love - and they still feel alive to me - because they are a part of my memory - and so while I can't make new memories.. I take comfort in all that came before.
I feel hopeful and optimistic in my life atm even though I have no reason to feel that way.
2:56 PM - 11.17.2019
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