I just want to cry. It's been such a frustrating day.
About 2 and a half hours into my shift at work today they closed the center down due to a water main break. So since I got off early my mom and I had a quick lunch and then decided to take my cat to the vet. My normally chubby baby has lost about 5 lbs in the last 2-3 weeks and is hardly eating compared to what she normally use to. Another dog had come in needing emergency surgery right before we showed up so they kept us waiting an hour and a half just to be seen by the vet and then everything else took hours and hours. All told they didn't really do much to help her. They sent me home with a pill that I am suppose to somehow cram down her throat and make her swallow. My cat didn't even want to open her mouth much less me stab a tube down her throat to force her to swallow. she's not eating so hiding it in food seems unlikely. Now she hates me even more than she did for all the trauma she's been through today going to the vet and the extremely long wait while we were there.
The truth is that she's 18 years old. And I will probably have to think about putting her down soon. and my heart can't take it. I feel like a failure and my heart is broken. I just want to make her feel better. I just want her to get better.
10:39 PM - 08.10.2019
Bacon and I broke up. And by broke up I mean, I eventually sent him a text message he never responded to ending things - and then several follow up messages making it clear that "negotiations" so to speak about the subject were open if he wanted to continue things together. And given the overwhelming sound of silence ... yeah. It's safe to say we're not together any more.
I wish I could say that I understood what went wrong. It doesn't really feel like it was anything I did wrong or had any real control over - but I didn't want to be in limbo any more or at his whim as to whether he wanted to participate in our relationship. Relationships take two. Ghosting or bread-crumbing or whatever nonsense bullshit lingo people invent to describe this kind of behavior ... don't really adequately describe what it's like to be on the other end.
It's shitty. Do not do this. Do not treat other people this way. Communicate with them. Give them the respect and dignity of your honesty. Even being told you'd rather not continue with things is better than just slowly feeling like you're going crazy as you try to make sense of why someone who was hot to trot is suddenly fading away.
What's worse is I am sure he will resurface again at some point. They always do. Around the time you're starting to be over things or feeling better about yourself.
I actually do feel kind of okay. If only because I've had so much other things going on in my life lately that it's impossible to focus on him over much. And because if I'm honest looking back through entries on here.. I had some doubts about him that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
I'm not really sure I'm ready to give up on love. But I've had a rather rough go of things the last 2 years. First I was with someone for nearly a year who 6 months in started behaving in a verbally abusive manner towards me - and cyber-stalked me for a good six months after I finally got up the ability to leave that relationship. Then I had someone that I fell hard and fast for - who stopped seeing me abruptly out of nowhere because his family didn't like me. That was devastating and I try to tell myself that I'm better off because if you're with someone who will drop you so easily because someone else told them to - how committed to the relationship were they really? But it's still hard to let go of. It's still hard to forget. I still even now, feel an ache in my heart any time I let myself think about it. What's worse he moved on to someone his family liked better almost immediately and last I heard they're now engaged.... yeah.
And then there was Bacon. Bacon was kind. Bacon was funny. My friends all liked Bacon. My mom liked Bacon. We seemed to really enjoy spending time together and we were attached at the hip... and then suddenly he turned into Casper. I don't understand why.
But it's just been a lot of hurtful things and a lot of things that I don't deserve to have happened to me. I'm not even counting the guys who were total assholes after we hung out a few times - you know the general ass-hatery one encounters when dating before you meet somehow who even makes it to boyfriend stage.
And to be honest I'm just kinda over it. I want to be loved. I deserve to be in a relationship which is loving. I'm capable of being a very loving person. I am worthy of love. But it just seems like I can't catch a break.
So for right now I'm just focusing on fixing my credit - thus far I've paid off all my debits/things which are in collection. My credit score has gone up 60+ points so far. My average credit rating between the three still isn't great. But it's waaaaay better than it was and I'm on the right track. And it feels good to know that I have paid off a huge chunk of my debit. All that's left now is about 8k in student loans I have to pay off.
I'm on track to buy a car by the end of the year.
I am hopeful that I'll be able to get my own apartment too. I'm worried about the costs involved in living on my own. I don't know if I have the budget for it. But I am hopeful that I'll be able to find a nice place to live.
I'm kicking ass at work.
I was the number one agent in the call center for the month of July and 2 months earlier I was the 2nd agent in the call center.
After back to school is over I'm being promoted to another department. I'll be doing what I do now - but with more expensive clientele. It's a lateral move. But it's still a move.
So I guess I have a lot to be proud of in my life. A lot is happening outside of my relationship status.
I recently bought an Instant Pot and have been learning to cook healthier meals in it. I haven't really lost any weight yet - but I think in time once I get settled into more of a routine and healthier eating becomes more common place it will start to have an effect.
So I mean really .. why should I be sad?
I am a bit sad. I am lonely. I am wishing things were easier. I am wishing I had someone special to share things with. But I'm okay.
All the changes in my life have been hard as hell. But I am navigating them. I'm doing it. I just have to believe at the end of all of this .. there is someone special out there for me. I hope he's as tired of the games as I am.
11:31 AM - 08.09.2019
Things keep changing and I wish I could make them stop. At least for a minute or two so that I could catch my breath and get my barrings before being plunged into change again. But that isn't how my life is working at the moment.
I moved into my new home on Friday. It's only a temporary home. The goal is still for me to move out by the end of the year. I have a few months to get my ducks in a row before I have to be out again / moving again. So it's hard to get too comfortable when I know it's only temporary.
My mom and I had some pretty nasty/uncomfortable fights/conversations about me moving out at the end of the year. My mom had agreed to give me until the end of the year a while ago but she tried to back out of that deal and force me to move out sooner than that, and it made things really uncomfortable since I'm just not ready to move out.
She went to far as to book an appointment to see an apartment without my permission. It was just not a good situation. We've seemed to move past it a bit - but things are still a bit tense.
Bacon has all but disappeared. When I ask him what's wrong he just says things are fine, or that he is sad. It is coming up on the anniversary of his father's death so I assume that's part of what's going on - but he's not really letting me in on what's wrong and this total shut down on me thing doesn't really work for me.
I still think about my ex sometimes and miss him / wish things were different but it's not really about him. I think maybe I just feel like I'm not in the right relationship for me - but I care about him and know he's going through a rough time and I don't want to hurt him - and my life is already in upheaval so having to change even one more thing about it feels unbearable. And on some level I know all of these reasons are the wrong reasons to stay with someone.
But when I met him .. we connected like I've never really connected with anyone, and maybe some part of me isn't ready to throw in the towel. Maybe some part of me hopes things get better.
This year has been about letting go .. about change being thrust upon me whether I'm ready or not. And maybe this is what I am being called to do .. to let go. But at the moment I'm really not sure.
5:32 PM - 07.15.2019
Things with Bacon are still going well. I'm comfortable - and I'm happy. We had a moment about a week ago where I accidentally said I love you as we were hanging up the phone for the night. He seemed to jokingly say "me too" .. and then afterwards in Text we both sorta walked it back. We admitted to having strong feelings but i don't think either one of us are "there" yet. Mostly for me I just didn't want something I said without thinking to be so intense as those three little words. Those words are a promise to me of something. Not something you just say.
I look forward to spending time with him. He's the first person that I message when I get up - and usually the last person i talk to before i go to bed. We spent the majority of my free time together. My friends seem to like him. My mom definitely does. We communicate well. When we're intimate it's passionate. I genuinely miss him when we're apart.
So then ... why am I holding back?
Why do I still look up my ex's profile on Facebook .. ?
Why do am I doing things which will only make me feel bad?
I know these behaviors aren't healthy and self destructive.. so why do I do them?
12:01 PM - 06.23.2019
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