It's labor day today. The last day of summer to most. I want to buy school supplies and pretend I'm still a kid.
The last few days my mom and I have been squabbling. A combination of her having a four day weekend, and being under foot more and my overall moodiness. I'm trying not to take things out on her. But when you're constantly forced to rub up against another person, sometimes there is bound to be chafing.
She's been kind of moody herself. Too much work, with not enough boundaries, and no real ambition to pursue her other interests even though she says she wants to, leads for her overall crabbiness.
I think the realities of mother and adult daughter living together has just started to grate on us both a bit. On one hand she's glad I am here, because she loves me and if I weren't she'd be alone. On another hand I'm underfoot with her a lot too. I am disrupting her routines.
And maybe, it's possible that she feels the way that I do deep down. Deep down even when I am spending time with my mom, I find myself aching. I feel a kind of loneliness lately that is becoming difficult to shake.
I'm missing love, and having a boyfriend. I'm missing feeling like my friends and I were on the same page, instead of millions of miles away from one another.
Internally I feel like I am changing, I'm feeling all of these emotions that I am not use to feeling. I feel open to new learning, and I find myself wanting to do new things, dress new ways, be a new person. But it's such a lonely feeling too. Because things that use to bring me comfort, or interest me, doesn't at the moment.
The ache throbs harder.
It's been my experience in my life that we always tend to pull back, and go inside ourselves when we're embarking on difficult changes. It seems like god's little irony that when we most need someone, we feel most alone.
I can feel his presence. But he's not really much for conversation.
I feel some kind of guide on my life, I call this feeling, "god". I feel like he's carrying me towards my future, and even though I am nervous and maybe a little frightened, I feel a force pushing me to persist.
Ironically I feel like my mom who most wants me to go to college is not being very supportive of me right now. She keeps dragging her feat about reading my college essay, and helping me edit it. It makes me mad, and hurts my feelings. I shouldn't have to fucking beg her, nag her, and finally stop asking in total frustration. She's being such a bitch about the whole thing and I don't understand why.
I didn't get to the bank this past weekend, to deposit my check because she wouldn't get out of bed, and get ready to go. I kept trying to push her to get going, and then she got a call from her boyfriend, and she wouldn't hang up and get in the shower like she was suppose to. She had errands she needed to run too, it wasn't just my errands. We had to spend twice as long later in the day doing stuff as we had to run to three difference places to accomplish the goal, simply going to the bank would of accomplished if she would of just hung up the phone.
She spent a good half and hour talking with him about his brother's kid's impending divorce, and how they should encourage her not to go through it, and how his brother's an ass, and on and on they went. I wouldn't feel so annoyed by the whole thing, if he hadn't of called back later that night and they BOTH repeated the same fucking conversation over again.
I was annoyed she made it so I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I was annoyed it took up the whole day fixing the situation because she was procrastinating.
Mostly I'm frustrated because I've started to see that my mom is absolutely horrible with time management. She avoids things she doesn't want to do to the point of stupidity and then has to spend twice as long trying to make up for it later. It's no wonder she is over stressed and over tired all the time.
She rebels like a teenager, when faced with anything she doesn't want to do. I am starting to see where my bad attitudes come from.
My mom says that I act too much like a mom all the time. That people don't like it when you tell them the truth of realities they aren't facing. She says the reason I suffer from self esteem issues, are my perfectionist cycles in my brain. She didn't use those words but those were the gist.
And I know deep down that it's true. I have impossible standards, and no one, not even myself ever seems able to meet them. This strange dichotomy has been in existence since I was a small child however. Where I have always felt like I was dragging silly old mommy faster because she wasn't paying attention to the right things.
It's no wonder no one wants to be friends with me. Who wants to be friends with the one who has strong morale fiber. Who wants to do the right thing. Whose always thinking of how not to hurt someone's feelings.
I'm sorry. I don't know why this entry is so self depressing.
I've started worrying about money and the actual details of me being able to move to Wausau to go to college. My unemployment is going to run out near the end of the year, and I still don't know if I will have enough financial aide to cover everything. I'm panicking about trying to pay my old landlord back and my former utilities and shouldering the cost of everything.
And the worst of it, is I feel alone in this, again.
I am so tired of feeling alone. First Andy checked out on me and now my mom is. And Mychelle keeps calling but she isn't holding up her end of the conversation when we talk on the phone. I feel like I constantly have to keep the conversation moving because she doesn't. It's like she calls me wanting me to entertain her. And frankly I just don't have that much to say all the time. So I've been avoiding her calls the last couple of days. I know I need to call her back. But I just can't.
I find it ironic I am saying I am lonely, yet I am avoiding calls from my friends.
I guess the truth is, I am missing a companion. It's why I want a boyfriend. And why I want new friends.
I feel like perhaps the old models don't quite fit the bill any more. I don't fit the bill any more either. My life is changing, I am changing, and parts of me are actively embracing those changes, other parts of me are reluctant and throwing a hissy fit.
I don't know. I wish this diary wasn't full of such ugliness. I wish I had happier or nicer thoughts about people and my circumstances.
I'm going to go try and get a little more sleep before my mom starts running around cleaning an already clean house rather than working on her files from the office and waking me up.
6:46 AM - 09.06.2010
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