I think it's only fair that I warn you. That I'm changing. That I'm starting to become an egomaniac, even if for the moment,my brilliance is only in my own head.
It might just be a wall I'm putting up to protect myself. It might just be wishful thinking -- or hope that I'm drumming up inside myself to keep moving me forward. One step at a time. One footstep, in the blistering heat at a time.
But it could be more. It could be the inner confidence one has, when they feel their star is being born. That they're becoming someone. Someone they like. That they themselves want to be around.
God.
It's been so long since I've really enjoyed my own company. Dancing around my mom's house in my pj's the morning to the rip roaring guitar solos of Orianthi, I felt on top of the world. I felt like I was 60 pounds lighter, in designer clothes and dancing in a smokey night club again, with beautiful men's eyes on me.
I felt pretty. And sweet. And sexy. And smart. And just .. like me, again for the first time in so long.
And then I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I froze. Chubby arms. Chubby tummy. Thunder thighs. Messy hair. It wasn't pretty.
Part of me wonders why I dare hope I might someday have my old body back. It seems far-fetched and foolish to dream. But in the last 6 years this is the longest I've stuck with a fitness routine. I'm starting to have a waist again. There is a slight tightening of my calf muscles, and the just the hint of shadow -- which tells me my calves are separating from my ankles.
It's the hint of health and energy which shines in my eyes, and the slight tan I'm developing from the sun. It's the way I feel. Like I'm 5 years younger. Like I can rewind the clock.
I have to admit that I like this feeling of strength and youth. I like the optimism which makes me believe I might be down but I'm still not out. That there is still time. That I haven't doomed myself to be alone forever. That there is hope for me yet.
This tiny flicker of hope and excitement is so faint. I feel I have to shield it from torrential rains and watch for flash flooding with all my strength. Because if I don't. If I am not cautious. If I put my light out into the world and let it know I'm trying to shine again. I feel like it will blow my hopes into nothing.
But I do have hope. For the first time in god knows how long I'm starting to feel like I have a chance again. That my back isn't against the wall.
I wouldn't say that I'm happy. But I'm getting there. It's on the menu. Please don't pinch me. I don't want to wake up. I want to keep dreaming.
Maybe I can dream my way into being.
12:25 PM - 08.10.2010
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