It was hard to sleep last night. Even with central air, it was hard to keep cool because it was over a hundred degrees yesterday and this is an old house, so it lets in heat. I finally fell asleep at I don't know what time -- but my dreams were strange. I dreamed that my house was on fire (yay real environments creeping into dreams). I had the oddest sensation as I watched my things burn though. My computer was reduced to melted wax/plastic/metal. The smell was unbearable. But when it was all done burning.. I felt... Free?
The last few days I've felt happy. Confident even. Glowing from the inside really. It's strange the way you begin to feel when you begin to esteem yourself. You feel like you can handle anything. You can take on the world.
The other morning my mom came up to me and hugged me and said she loved me and that she's so glad that I am here!! That it makes her happy to come home to me, that she loves the conversations we have, and she says that I ease her stress -- and make her put stuff in perspective.
To feel loved. To feel needed. To feel like I'm not a freak. That someone loves me... wow. Powerful stuff. I don't even have words.
I've been badly treated by a lot of people. I can't hide, or deny, or defend this. But the thing I never dared thing, was maybe it was their loss. That the people who reject me -- for their own reasons or what have you, are perhaps losing out.
I feel like for the last few years I've been on the decline. But I feel like the time is coming for me to rise. The climb is not a smooth or easy one. I know I will doubt myself in the days to come. I know that I will feel like I can't go on. But I know also -- as firm as I know anything -- that I will persevere.
Because .. the difference is? I'm in the mood to kick a little ass. I'm sick of just taking what's been given to me. I am sick of hiding out. And being afraid of taking a risk. I'm sick of believing I'm the problem. I'm sick of believing that it's all my fault.
I feel a growing need in me to act out. I feel a growing need to attack the world. I feel a growing need to conquer all.
I'm ready to start climbing again. I finally feel ready. I feel ready to light the match to what came before.
I'm smiling so big right now. I wish you could see it. I'm happy.
9:45 AM - 08.05.2010
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