As I spent this morning web searching for information on Marie Antoinette, and surfing through various web pages on World of Warcraft I found myself wondering if I was really an ex-gamer or if I was merely a gamer not currently playing the game.
Scientific studies show that people view their "avatars" mentally the same way they view themselves, which is to say we access to the same part of the brain which stores our feelings and memories when we think about our digital selves as we do when we think about our actual real life selves.
Which is to say the line between our fictional selves and our real life selves is much thinner, or more blurry than some people would like to believe.
As I approach the Autumn of my 29th year on the planet, no closer to meeting Mister Right, or "making something of myself" I begin to wonder if this sort of information should bring me comfort, or grief.
I feel like Brigit Jones, the ugly duckling, and one of King Henry the 8th's unfortunate wives all rolled into one. Someone who has never quite fit in, with my family, with my school mates, and men in the dating world at large.
When I think about my experiences in Second Life and in Wow, I can't help but notice that even in "my dreams" or "pixel worlds" as some would call it, I am still rarely Queen Bee. In second life, the guy I thought I had a relationship with/loved often left me for my best friend. In Wow, even though I was in one of the best guilds in the world who many wished they could be a part of. Even though I was a raider rank -- which meant I had been accepted, and passed trial -- I never felt secure in my position. I never felt even once, like I had really made it, or that I really belonged.
In my real life -- I've often been the "fat" friend, or the chubby sidekick. The one that reassures the future prom queen of America that of course she's beautiful, and no she's not fat, and no she shouldn't break up with boyfriend because he's a great guy who loves her.
I'm the same girl who got asked to be in my best friend's wedding, and then was asked NOT to be in the wedding, when they realized the groom didn't have enough groomsmen..
I'm the same girl who had no "friends" in grade school, save for one. Except she wasn't really a friend. She would play with me on the weekends, and away from other people's sight, but made me agree to pretend we weren't friends in school, as it would hurt her social standing. Going so far as to join in with laughter when other kids picked on me.
I'm the girl who winces when people say, "we get the love we think we deserve", and "we teach other people how to love us."
I'd like to say these things are my past, that I've changed, and out grown this behavior -- but the truth is, I'd be lying if I said so. Because I'm still the friend who doesn't mind when my friend disappears every time she gets a boyfriend.
Or when Andy ditches me for the last 2 days I was in Madison, I keep calling him, and trying to email him and telling my mom how much I miss him, and feeling like a complete and total loser when he blows me off for the whole two and a half weeks I've been down here, because I'm desperate to believe that I still have a friend of some kind. Who knows that a few simple words from him, would still make my day.
I'm the same girl who as I write this is sitting at her computer crying her eyes out because she's lonely, and scared, and inwardly worried she'll never be able to write her college Essay about what she would contribute to their university, because at 29 she suddenly realizes that she has written herself off her entire life, and cast herself in the part of Lonely, Fat, only vaguely talented, Single female who will end her days in a crummy apartment, eaten by her cats.
And I guess I think that it shouldn't end up like that. I feel like I'm horribly mean and cruel to myself. That I expect perfection of myself, and when I fail, in whatever small way -- slide into the oblivion of depression.
I don't want to be the girl who every moment she's with a guy, can't relax, because she constantly feels like it will be her last -- the kind of girl who feels like she's not worth a call back, for the audition for the part of girlfriend, wife, mother of their children role of a lifetime.
But how do I build my self confidence, when I don't have a support system. I don't have clothes which fit. I don't like the way I look, and I'm lonely, broken down and desperate. It's not like people like that attract people to them in droves?
I wish I could just relax and have a good time -- I wish I could just enjoy this time in Saint Louis with my mom and not worry about anything. I wish I didn't miss playing my game, or holding my cat. I wish I wasn't constantly worrying about my Essay, or worried about Money.
I've lent my mom $380 since I've been here, and though she promises to pay some of it back this weekend, I don't really know how soon she'll really be able to return the money to me. I feel angry, I felt compelled to give it to her in the first place, angry at her stupid boyfriend, for not giving my mom the financial support she needs in the first place, and guilty for even wanting the money back when she's giving me a roof over my head "free of charge".
Even when she gives me the money back, I still can't really spend it wherever I want to. I owe my former landlord two grand plus, and I still need to pay off the utility companies for my former expenditures.
Not to mention the need for new tennis shoes, and new undergarments has become extremely pressing. Not to mention that the one pair of "pants" I still own is extremely threadbare and will give out on me any day.
I feel like all of my things need to be replaced.
In a few months time, hopefully I will have paid off my landlord -- but going about finding a new landlord, when I go to move to Wausau for school seems as if it will be incredibly difficult. Given that I have kind of a shoddy rental history now, and no job.
I just feel like I will never get out from under this cloud. Its no wonder with all of these things running through my head it's become hard for me to sleep again.
Lord guard me through this dark path, and bring me through to the other side.
4:04 PM - 08.02.2010
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