/runs a feather over the dust gathering on this journal.
Sorry I've been gone so long with no update. I have been writing, but it's mostly been in a journal I started writing in the day before my trip to Saint Louis.
Everything that I owned, was either -- left at the dumpster, shipped off on the charity truck, or is currently in storage at my mom's condo in Madison.
All I took with me, was my tarot cards, my journal and all the laundry I could carry in 2 suitcases.
My computer wouldn't fit in the car with my stuff and my moms belongings, and so it was left in a closet in my mom's condo.
My mom didn't want my cat to have to make the terrible 6-7 hour car ride down from Madison to Saint Louis, and so she arranged for my little sister to take her.
My little sister says my cat is adjusting well, although she apparently hates my sister's fiance. I'm not sure if that's because she's just not use to being around men or what. I miss her pretty much every day. She is never very far from my thoughts.
I felt like such a bad mom, leaving her behind. Madge has been in my life for 6 years, and I'd been with her every day of her life almost without fail since she was 8 weeks old. I know that animals don't feel pain or miss people the same way humans do. But I feel so bad. Some part of me worries that she thinks she did something wrong. That I left her because of something she did.
I know that I will see her again, and that someday we'll be together again as my sister and her boyfriend intend to return the cat to me when I move back to Wisconsin but for the moment it's difficult.
Living here hasn't been all bad. It's been good to have my mother as an active part of my life again. It's been good because I've been reading books more often and watching old movies. Since I've been here I've been more involved with meal planning -- and we've been eating actual food instead of just microwaved dinners.
But there are trade offs too. I miss my things. I miss my privacy. I miss my Independence. Sometimes I feel way too much underfoot.
My mom and her boyfriend's financial circumstances aren't quite where they need to be, and though I am very far in debt I've had to lend my mother money from my unemployment check for her to make ends meet/spend the money on my food stamps card to keep her and I in food.
It's not a situation I feel very good about, but since she is giving me a roof over my head, and she works all day, while I sit around essentially doing nothing I feel like I can't really refuse without coming across as if I am being selfish.
What I have now is time. Lots of empty time. I feel frustrated with the situation and the lack of something constructive to do. I never really realized how much of the time I spent playing wow, really acted as a sort of structure to my day/life and kept me from going bat shit crazy so to speak with all the free time on my hands.
In any case.. I need to go, shower -- and get out of the house for a bit.
I'll update this again soon.
1:48 PM - 07.28.2010
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