It's so humid I can barely move. I'm sticking to my chair as I write this. Ewwwyuck. I'm tired too. Though I'm not sure how I could be anything but. The last few days have been pretty emotionally draining. I've tried to contact people to talk, vent, laugh, take my mind off things.
But most people are otherwise occupied. I'm sure some are actually busy. But sometimes it feels like when we're in crisis, people find ways to keep themselves busy because they don't want to be pulled down by the strain of what someone else is going through.
My mom in particular has been noticiably absent the last few days. She hasn't told be 100% that I can come stay with her/come move in with her. She hasn't told me what day she's planning on doing this move. And I'm going a little bit crazy.
I don't know how much time I have left. I don't know if I even have a place to go. And I am starting to mentally freak out a little bit because my internet and phone are going to be shut off soon.
And I'll have no way to reach anybody. Thinking about it, is actually bringing tears to my eyes. Most people feel alone a lot. But the subtle hum, and soothing rythm of the internet is always there. Files and data streaming across cords. Keeping us all safely enclosed in it's protective reach. Keeping us from completely being shut off.
Feeling alone at this time in my life is just a further reminder of how far I've fallen/sunk. And a further reminder that the reason I am alone is because I pushed everyone away/they left me willingly.
"If you see me stumble you don't have to look away, it's not the first time, it's not the last time you can leave me where I lay ..." - Uncle Kracker
Sometimes I feel like that. Not in a bad way, but in a good way I guess. If it can be in a good way. I just mean I've been abandoned and been through really dark times before, and I always manage to pull through.
My guardian Angel. I owe her really good fajitas. Mmmm. Warm chicken.
What? Oh sorry. I'm just fantasizing about food I don't have the money to buy.
Anyway I need to go back to packing. All I can do is keep moving. One step and one box at a time. I'm going to keep updating this journal as long as I can. I don't know when my utilities are being shut off.
9:22 PM - 07.05.2010
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