I think it's starting to hit me that I am actually moving. I think my cat knows something is up too. She's in cardboard box heaven. But despite all her new toys, she's starting to realize I think that something is seriously wrong, as things aren't where they're suppose to be. She is clearly distressed and has become much more of a lap kitty than I am use to.
She follows me around the house and barely lets me out of her sight. It's as if she's afraid she wont see me again if she isn't near me. She has no idea how close to reality that almost was. And I am grateful sometimes that she's just a cat, and will never have to know the pains I have gone through to keep her.
Things are better with my mom and me. She wrote me a very long email in the wee hours last night letting me know everything that was bothering her about this move, and all the additional stress others have put on her shoulders.
I already suspected much of what she said, but it felt like a big weight was lifted when she was finally able to verbalize this as it opened the door for her and I to clear the air about things that we needed to talk about, but had thus far not been able to really clear up between us.
I feel a thousand times better about the move to STL now. And also a million times more apprehensive about my new home. My new city. I wonder if I will like it. If I'll be happy there. If I will find a job there. If I will make friends. If people will make fun of me for talking funny. If I think other people talk funny.
This is all a pretty big step for me. I've lived in Wisconsin my entire life. And I don't really know what to expect. But I'm also sort of happy and looking forward to it too.
I still have so much stuff to pack and sort, and this heat and humidity is just -not- letting up. Ugh. Why do I always seem to pick the height of the heatwave/humidity season, or the below freezing temperatures times of the year to move?
1:41 PM - 07.07.2010
I had sort of a strange aha moment today when I was talking to my friend about changing guilds in World of Warcraft. One of the things I said, was the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just different grass.
The more I thought about it, that sort of applies to this situation I'm currently in. I want to move to STL to get away from everything. Clear my head. Breathe different air. Do different things.
But if I am really honest with myself, I don't expect my stay there to really be better. I just expect it to be different. And after 2 years of the same .. hell? No hell is too simple a word for what I've been through.
Different sounds like Heaven.
I still don't know what the future holds.
And I am trying, (not very well) to be ok with that.
It's just different Grass.
12:51 PM - 07.06.2010
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