I keep talking in circles. I keep trying to write what this feels like. Packing up my bedroom. Throwing away my past. Getting ready for some unknown future which scares the hell out of me. And the truth is, I can't really write it all down in a way that it reads like a happy little story.
The truth is that this sucks. Moving sucks. The way I've been living sucks. Throwing away my past should suck -- but I have nothing that I look back on, with love or joy.
I'm a miserable person. Or a once happy person in a miserable life. I can't really decide, but the semantics don't really matter much in this case. I don't want to be a miserable person any more. I want whatever happens next to be a positive step in a broken life. I want wherever I wind up moving to (at this point it looks like St.Louis) to be a place my heart can heal.
I want what happens next to be a good thing. I hope. I hope. I hope.
I'm not sure my mom really wants me to move there. I think a part of me is trying to pretend like everything is all okay. But it's not really. My little sister lived with my mom after high school for a while. Unlike me she didn't leave the house right away. She stayed behind and spent some time figuring out her future, what she wanted to do -- she got to spend time with my mom which I've always been a little jealous of.
I love my mom. But we haven't been close, really close in years. My mom wont say that I have let her down but I know I have. She had so many other expectations for me. So many better ideas for what my life would be.
I really want to be someone my mom could be proud of. I want to be someone I could be proud of. While sorting through the boxes in my room to decide what will stay and what will go, I stumbled across my old gym membership to the YMCA I went to up in Wausau.
The thing that struck me about the picture was how thin, and healthy, and happy I looked. For a minute, I'd of given anything to go back.
But it's been years since then. I'm about 60 pounds heavier than I was then -- and this is not that life any more. One of the things about cleaning out my room I've come to realize is that I can't look back. At least not often. And not with regret, or envy. I need to find a way to keep looking forward.
No matter how much heat, or energy is being emitted from the past. I need to find a way to let go -- and accept that I don't have the answers, and that things are different now, but that different doesn't have to be bad. NO matter the heat I can't look back.
Those are just the flames of hell I'm walking out of. Or something.
(Hey it sounded cool in my head)
I'm off to do more cleaning and sorting and packing.
The future is uncertain. But it wont be long. It'll be here before I know it. The one thing I do know for sure is that I am moving. Ready or not, it's coming. I am moving .. somewhere.
And I had better be ready for it.
My horoscope was right, I can't keep trying to plan the future, I just have to get busy living it.
1:30 PM - 07.04.2010
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