I watched this strange little movie called, Timer tonight. It's a romantic "comedy" meets science fiction. The basic premise is that a device has been invented that can tell you the exact day/time when you will meet "the one".
Knowing vs not knowing becomes an unseen tension that drives the characters in the movie to do strange things with their lives.
And I guess it got me wondering, if I believe there is a one. Would I want to know. Would I want a guarantee from the minute I meet someone. Or would I miss the detours I've taken on my path towards life.
It's made me start to wonder if maybe all these bad things I've been going through haven't all been happening for a reason. To teach me lessons. If my life is on a pre-planned time line, or if I have say over the story. If I am in a car that I can drive. Or if I am in a cart, with wheels but no steering wheel.
I really don't know any more. I feel torn in a lot of different directions lately. I feel motivated to change, but still feel sometimes stuck in my old ways.
Sometimes I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for a guarantee. Some proof that I am doing the right thing. That my life has a purpose. A destiny. I feel like I have made a lot of mistakes, because I've been afraid to make choices.
Choosing nothing is still choosing. Standing still is still a choice. The car crash. Getting hit by the bus. Watching my car jump the track, and skid out of control because I was too afraid to steer. Was a choice.
I just don't know any more if I trust myself to make the right choices. Have I become so afraid of doing it wrong, that I will never learn to do it right?
P.S. I decided to not omit my history on my resume. It's not perfect, and I've made mistakes. But they're mine. If they're the right place for me. They'll overlook my past, and see my potential.
3:56 AM - 06.29.2010
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