Hello.
I know I haven't written in a while. It's been years actually. I clicked the delete button one by one, erasing the things I'd written before, like a teacher taking an eraser to the chalkboard.
When it's time to start fresh. When it's time to begin a new lesson. The marks on the board, don't completely leave. You can still see the dull wash of pigment beneath the new words. And I guess life is like that sometimes. You can make new starts, and turn over new leafs, but you can't ever go back and start life over completely from scratch.
But I guess if I really think about it, I'm ok with that. I don't want to relearn all the things I've learned before now. I don't want to relive all the pain, and all the mistakes I've made.
This has been a rough time in my life. I've been out of work for months. My unemployment has run out, and I haven't gotten a new job yet. I've run out of money, and am mostly entirely out of options. I've been getting by through the food pantry, and the kindness of my relatives who've been able to spare some food here and there, or a few twenties, when their own budget is tight.
My mom was almost crying yesterday when she called me to let me know she'd wired me $40. That she loves me, and that through all her mistakes as a mom and her life, that I'm a miracle. And one of the best things that has ever happened to her.
I'd been depressed and upset about my circumstances. I haven't been sleeping, and my anxiety has been in over drive. And I guess maybe I scared her a little. Because I felt like I was drowning. But that's the thing about life and love. And families.
We're all somebody's life raft. Through every curse or bad thing in my life I have been lucky in that I have met a few people who love me no matter what I do. Good mood. Bad mood. Fat. Thin. Single. Involved. When I'm hateful and petty. And when I'm selfless and loving. I have been lucky to meet people who love me, for me.
If I'm honest I haven't always liked who I am. It's a pretty much daily struggle for me right now, to not feel like a loser. To keep positive that things will change. To find the courage to press on. When I feel like I can't.
I've had so many bad things happen to me in my life. That I've been down on my knees in tears, crying out to God to ask him why. Why me. I've been to the bottom of the edge. But I'm still here.
I feel like to see the bad is only one half of the picture. I can't forget the loving kindness I've found in people I least expect. I can't forget the guardian angel who watches over me.
There is some reason I've made it through. Why I keep scraping by. I don't know my life's purpose. But I'm going to try and find it I guess.
And so .. I guess I begin again.
Fuck.
Where do I start?
7:03 AM - 06.20.2010
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