Animals tend to sense storms before a storm come -- but they're not the only ones gifted with this sixth sense. Human's who bother to listen to the rhythms and rhymes of life can feel the winds of change, long before the storm clouds move in.
My life has been in a place of idle for too long, and I can feel change coming, whether I am ready for it or not. In all honesty, I'm mostly not ready for it. I'm running out of money, and out of time. In two months my unemployment will be coming to an end, and by then I need to be settled.
I've been feeling, at least for a little while as if I will be staying on in Saint Louis at least for a time. The time will come for me to go back to Wisconsin sooner or later but now is not that time.
I never thought I could miss Wisconsin. But I do. I miss the weather, and the price of groceries. I miss the unmistakable lilt to a Wisconsin accent. More than anything I miss my kitty.
My growing friendship with Dustin has made me stop and consider where I'm at. In my life -- where I want to be in the future. Just in general.
Dustin is a really nice guy. The kind of guy whose often overlooked, and ignored by women. He's too thin and I'm too fat, and I guess that combination makes us a bit of an odd couple. I really do like him.
But my relationship with him, our friendship such as it is, triggers all sorts of doubts in me. Doubts about my worth to another partner, doubt about the state of my life, and doubt about any possible real future for him and I.
You see, for all his niceness, and for all the subtle sexual pull he has - cause he is sexy in his way, even though he's not my typical type or stereotypically handsome -- he is also sometimes boring as hell. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Not that saying someone is boring could ever be said in a nice way.
It's just he lives in a small town, and has for almost all of his life. And when I say small town I mean SMALL town. He has lived with his parents for almost his entire life -- and although he's almost 27 years old, he only recently lost his virginity, and it was to a girl who frankly wasn't all that special. He was hurt when she's going out with some other guy now instead of him, but honestly that girl he barely knew was the closest to a girlfriend Dustin has ever had.
Even if all of that weren't enough -- he's into football (something I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eye sockets than be forced to sit through). He doesn't like to read. He doesn't write, or draw, or engage in anything that would be considered art.
He just.. works at a grocery store, and when he's not doing that he's playing video games. There is a lack of real conversation. I mean sure, we both enjoy world of warcraft, but there has to be more to a relationship than that.
If nothing else I learned that from Seann.
The trouble is, I do like Dustin. I do like talking to him and a part of me is even maybe a little attracted to him. But he's just not .. the one.
So I don't really know what to do with that. Avoid him like the plague? Continue to be his friend? Be honest and tell him all of this and hurt him?
I mean shit.
I don't really know what I want. Part of me thinks I'm running scared, or looking for excuses because this guy could offer me a real chance to be in a real relationship, instead of chasing after mister unavailable guy who will never give me what I want.
Then there is the whole -- I don't have the money to go to school, so I need to find a job between now and next fall thing to worry about.
The winds of changing are blowing.
I need to figure out where they're blowing, before whatever it's blowing my way catches up with me.
11:12 PM - 11.15.2010
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