A few months ago, I got suspended at work for my attendance. Ever since it's been a daily battle .. to get to work on time, I've spent times aruging with my computer time clock .. and being angry that even if I am early it says I'm late, etc. Between that and my production issues at work I've been under so much stress and pressure. Constantly feeling like a noose was around my head, ready to hang me at any minute.
This morning I over slept. Like .. by 3 hours. There's no excuse for 3 hours late. No explanation. Nothing. Doesn't matter I"ve been sick as a dog and at work every day anyway. Doesn't matter I should have called in sick all week. Doesn't matter that I actually showed up .. all that will show is that I'm late.
Some small .. very tiny part, the part not panic'd about the future, almost hopes I am fired. To put an end to the constant stress, and expectations I can't meet. To just have it end.
The other part of me doesn't want it to be over. Doesn't want 4 years of my life to be have been for nothing. Doesn't want it to end this way if it's gonna end. I'm relieved I guess that I have some money saved. It's enough to carry me through for a few months, if it comes to that.
But it's still heartbreaking.
And I just don't know what to say or think or do right now. I just wanna go to sleep and pretend this never happened.
Sigh.
Oh my god, fuck.
Shitty
2008-04-11 @ 4:02 a.m.
It's 4am, and I need to be up for work in about 6 and a half hours. I should be in bed sleeping .. but everytime, I close my eyes, I just replay our conversation in my head and hot tears splash down my cheeks.
I knew we couldn't stay in limbo forever. I knew evenutally he'd either commit or we'd part ways. We're friends .. for the moment anyway. But i still just feel raw, and vaugely betrayed by a girl who claims to be my friend.
She'll only chew him up and spit him out, like B did. She's not capable of loving him. The fact it feels like she played her cards just to get him anyway .. bug mes. Even though she claims she loves me, and she'd never do this to me .. and yadda, yadda.
I still wanna poke shiney jagged objects in her eyeballs. And then I wanna collapse into a little ball and cry some more.
Why is it I know finally .. truly .. how special I am. But in the end, I'm still always so easy to leave. I keep trying to feel like he did me a favor. Because if he can't give me what I want he set me free to find someone else who can.
Funny how free, just feels like alone. He seemed so afraid to lose my friendship. And we were laughing and joking near the end.
Which is better then it was the last time we parted. But it still doesn't feel better.
I'm sick of being alone. Sick of my life being such a mess. Sick of always being so close to what I want, but never being able to reach out and grab it.
My mom called today, her job might be reloccating to saint louis. Some part of me wants her to go. It would be a new city, and a fresh start for her. Part of me wishes she could take me with her. An even bigger part of me, is afraid for her to leave.
I don't know. Just been a really bad day. I hurt all over and I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Hopefully tomorow passes quickly.